Midlife has always been that point when we begin to realize that life is getting short. Too short to worry about what other people think. A turning point where people begin to craft the kind of friendships and romantic relationships that actually work for them, inside the lines (or out). TOPIX is our way of getting opinionated, courageous conversations started on what living and loving really looks like in midlife now.
A CRUSH Reader contemplates what we’ve gained and what we’ve lost by giving up the impromptu telephone call.
Where did the telephone go?
Remember the days before answering machines and caller id when the phone would ring. Who were they calling for? Was it a person trying to sell you something, or the guy who sat behind you in 8th grade algebra who you've been dreaming about? If it is, what will you say?
It never occurred to us not to answer the phone just because we didn't know who it would be. If we did, we could lose that point of connection forever. Without a trace. So we answered it with a hello, not knowing who it would be, what they might want or how it would make us feel.
Where did that go? Now we text before we call or maybe we don't call at all, only text. We pre-announce ourselves, "Is it ok if I call? Are you free?" We act as if we don't have license to just reach out and say, aloud, "I'm thinking of you." Or, "Hey, I'd really like to talk." That feeling of the phone ringing, and it could be anyone....is lost.
So, what did we lose? Some might say it's what we gained — control over who we speak to, the ability to screen out solicitations or a relationship we need some space from. It's not that I don't agree there are some benefits to being able to know in advance who is calling, but we have lost far more. We've lost that excitement that comes from the ring of the phone when you know someone is thinking of you, but you don't know who it is. That feeling you get right after you say "Hello," — the possibilities of who it could be and where it will take you. It could literally be anyone.
We've also lost the resilience that comes from mustering the courage to call someone out of the blue, not knowing how they'll respond. Does that guy from your algebra class really want to talk to you or is he just being polite? How long will he stay on the phone? How do you get his number? And when you are rejected — someone refuses to come to the phone, you can hear them as they ask their mom to say they are not there — how do you handle that? While never easy, handling rejection does get better with practice and the phone was a great place to work on that skill.
And are we staying closer to those we already love — or further apart — by engaging in the act of asking (by text) whether we can call? Or by texting instead of calling? Isn’t staying close to those we love the point of it all?
All of this is to say, can we get the phone back? Can we all just call each other when we are thinking of one another? Can we get off the keyboard at least for a little while?
I'm going to ask my friends to call me when they want to connect. The worst that can happen is that I'm not able to pick up. But think of all of the warm wonderful messages I might get from living breathing people rather than a scramble of letters on a screen. Maybe this will make me feel more connected, because right now, I really miss the telephone.
Thank you, Nina! Got a TOPIX to write about? Send it to me at Dish@PrimeCrush.com.
The Crush Letter
The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter from Dish Stanley curating articles & intelligence on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?
