Things I‘ve Done This Year To Meet New Friends By Dish Stanley

I’ve had plenty of specific reasons why I needed to make new friends in the last decade, including moving. Having grown up in the military, I knew that I could put those atrophied friend-making muscles to work again. I get a number of notes asking me for advice on making friends at this stage of life, frequently after becoming an empty nester, divorced/widowed or a move. There is absolutely no getting around the reality that it requires real effort and putting yourself in new, awkward situations. There’s a lot of trial and error. A lot of effort felt entirely wasted. But here’s what actually worked for me.

Part 1

I became a “very active” regular customer at the independent bookstore in my neighborhood. I stopped in regularly, joined a book discussion group, attended author talks. People who work in bookstores (like librarians) are so very nice, and so are their regular customers.

I learned to play backgammon and started attending the weekly game for beginners at a local club. People who play backgammon are very social, and it’s easy to learn.

I picked up tennis after 30 years, and joined a women’s tennis league in town.

I became a regular at a neighborhood restaurant where the chef hosts cooking classes and other tasting events. I met other regulars who loved to cook and check out new restaurants.

I went on a number of women’s group hiking and travel trips—day hikes, longer style & design related trips to Milan, Rome and Tangier and hiking trips in California and the Dolomites. I met a few women from these who have become very close friends, one of whom I met hiking in the Dolomites and lives in my neighborhood!

I threw the first pizza & salad party in my condo building and invited everybody. Everybody came! I asked everybody who came to bring either a salad or a bottle of wine. Knowing the people in my building when I ran into them made me feel less isolated, and one became a regular for checking out new neighborhood restaurants.

I just tried this and don’t know whether it will work yet: I learned about an informal neighborhood email newsletter and posted a “classified” looking for women interested in learning how to play canasta.

Part 2

I’ve had plenty of specific reasons why I needed to make new friends in the last decade, including moving. Having grown up in the military, I knew that I could put those atrophied friend-making muscles to work again. I get a number of notes asking me for advice on making friends at this stage of life, frequently after becoming an empty nester, divorced/widowed or a move. There is absolutely no getting around the reality that it requires real effort and putting yourself in new, awkward situations. There’s a lot of trial and error. A lot of effort felt entirely wasted. But here’s what actually worked for me.

I learned mah jongg. As noted in CRUSH Reader Mieke’s Three Things, mah jongg is suddenly everywhere. I first took classes (live) from the mahjonggteacher while I was in NYC. In addition to teaching classes (where I met a few really nice women), she organizes mah jongg lunches and other events, and through her instagram site I signed up for a lunch (which I’m going to next week). I organized a mah jongg group — it took scouring around to find a mah jongg instructor where I live and talking six friends into learning to play it with me. (After giving us the basics, she continues to join our regular mah jongg for guided play.) In stead of organizing it with women I already socialize with, I organized the group with one friend I knew well and one I’d just met, and then one of them brought a friend of theirs who I didn’t know. We are now up to six, including new and well-known friends. I was also then invited to play in another recurring mah jongg group, where I have met six new women. I am a big fan of mah jongg - not only because I’ve met over 10 women I’d like to be friends with in the few months I’ve been playing, but it’s also great mental stimulation. I play backgammon and love it, but mah jongg is hot right now so it feels like a fuller and more fluid social space to join to meet like-minded women who are open to making friends, but backgammon, canasta and bridge all serve the same purpose of combining social and mental stimulation.

I am learning to play padel. With new courts springing up everywhere, including one right next to my apartment building, I decided to try it. As CRUSH Reader __ wrote a couple of weeks ago,

I’ve rsvp’d yes to more things than ever before. This seems obvious, but I’ve put down my book (and taken my puppy Koko off my lap) and gone to way more things this year. If I’ve been in town, I haven’t turned down a party (cocktail or dinner party) or a mah jongg invitation. I’ve attended more author talks, more landscape architect talks, more designer talks. Essentially anything that offered the opportunity to meet people with whom I shared a common link (be that mutual friends at a party, or a shared interest). If I had an enjoyable, extended conversation with someone I got practiced in getting the guts to say “I’ve so enjoyed chatting with you and I’d love to have a drink.” I have — more than once — fought back the voice in my head that said I REALLY DON’T FEEL LIKE GOING OUT TONIGHT. I overrode that voice and said DISH, THIS WILL PAY OFF. SHOW UP WITH JOY. And all of this has worked. I’ve really met new friends who I’m looking forward to getting to know better over time.

The Crush Letter
The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter from Dish Stanley curating articles & intelligence on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?