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Hello Crush,
Happy Saturday-Before-The-White-Lotus-Season-3-Finale, CRUSHes.
As you know, the story line in The White Lotus that I’m most intrigued by is the Jaclyn, Kate and Laurie trio. What I’m eager to see is whether they break through their phony surface level friendships with each other and decide to become something real. Ask any woman you know who has cultivated deep, powerful friendships with other women over the years and they will tell you, those friendships require being real with each other. They require honest, vulnerable, meaningful engagement. Which means they require emotional bravery.
Those are the friendships that get you through the dark and shitty moments (that can extend into dark and shitty years. (Thank you, by the way, Dina, Lisel, Nina & Kathy (in no particular order) for all that you did for me after my husband‘s death.)
Jaclyn, Kate and Laurie are old friends but they’re not good friends.
They’re not real with each other. Jaclyn started off the Season bragging about her fabulously happy marriage to her much younger, hot husband with whom she had sex all the time, only to end up in bed with a member of a Russian gang (as it turns out) who she had been foisting on Laurie, and then lying about it them.
But Jaclyn is only the most obvious, worst offender. Kate lies by trying to please everyone, equivocating on everything and not taking a stand on anything (including her political party). Laurie lies by keeping her loneliness, unhappiness and personal and professional difficulties hidden, and by using “truth” as an excuse for calling out her friends in the most insulting, least sensitive, way possible. She confronts her friends, but not her own life — to get through that, she hides by drinking.
It wasn’t until Episode 6 - almost the end of their trip together - when one of them, Laurie (the lawyer), for the first time called out Jaclyn and Kate for what became clear has been a toxic dynamic in their trio since the beginning. (I can’t wait to see how that plays out.)
The thing is, if they can become real with each other in the final episode there is an opportunity for life-changing personal growth for each of them. Only then is there the opportunity to leave Thailand and return to their lives in New York, Texas and California having gained something valuable that they didn’t show up with: real friends.
In This Letter. +An Unexpected Fun Question for Getting to Know Somebody. The real beauty of it is that it is actually quite revealing without seeming overly intimate. +What I’ve Done This Year To Meet New Friends By Dish Stanley Jumping on the mah jongg and padel bandwagons. +Roam: Cuzco, Peru. From CRUSH Reader Patrick Rich layers of culture, bright sunshine, unusually warm locals. +Three Things I’m Crushing On. From CRUSH Reader Mieke I also think the various tile designs are fun. +Social Media I Loved This Week. +Our Song of the Week Back jack
An Unexpected Fun Question for Getting to Know Somebody. By Dish Stanley
A new occasional column with tips on how to replace the overused “So, how are you?” and really get to know somebody, from CRUSH Readers.
I got the idea for this question while out for a dinner with a new friend who offered that she asks this of her prospective romantic partners on the first or second date.
“What’s in the trunk of your car?” from CRUSH Reader Laura
“Ask this question on an early date. It is entirely unexpected and fun. But the real beauty of it is that it is actually quite revealing without seeming overly intimate or too “interview-y.
You can tell a lot about somebody by what’s in their trunk!“ — Laura
After Laura shared her question with me, I turned the tables on her and asked “So, Laura, what’s in your trunk?”
Laura has a business organizing people’s closets and lives, and has clients up and down the East Coast. Here’s what she said:
“My trunk is clean and organized, and always has these things in it:
A bag with exercise stuff in it, just in case a last minute cancellation permits a workout
Bathing suit + towel, just in case it’s a gorgeous day and I pass a beach
Tennis gear, just in case I get a last-minute invite to play so I can say “yes!” without making a pit stop home
A 6 gallon container for gasoline, just in case I run out
A canvas bag that I use to stash old towels/blankets, etc., on an ongoing basis, just in case I pass by an animal shelter.”
I have to say — after hearing her answers — they reveal a lot about Laura. She likes to be prepared for an emergency; the fact that she is big on donating things that could be useful to others (animals included) rather than throwing them away — so big, in fact, that she has a system for it, that she is efficient with her time and thinks ahead (if a tennis game comes up she doesn’t want to have to go home and change). But what I love the most is that her answers capture her joie de vivre — she is always up for — and prepared to have — spontaneous fun, whether that’s at the beach or on the tennis courts.
So I’d love to know, CRUSH, what is in the trunk of YOUR car? Write me at Dish@PrimeCrush.com.
Do you have a great question? Tell us!
Things I‘ve Done This Year To Meet New Friends: Part 2 By Dish Stanley
I’ve had plenty of specific reasons why I needed to make new friends in the last decade, including moving out of Boston. Having grown up in the military I knew that I could put those atrophied friend-making muscles to work again. I get a number of notes asking me for advice on making friends at this stage, frequently after becoming an empty nester, divorced/widowed or a move. There is absolutely no getting around the reality that it requires real effort and putting yourself in new, awkward situations. There’s a lot of trial and error. A lot of effort often feels entirely wasted. But then you start to get traction.
Here’s what actually worked for me.
I learned mah jongg. As noted in CRUSH Reader Mieke’s Three Things (below), mah jongg is suddenly everywhere. I started last fall by first taking classes (live) from the mahjonggteacher while I was in NYC. In addition to teaching classes (where I met a few really nice women who I would definitely reach out to for a game next time I’m in New York), she organizes mah jongg lunches and other events. Through her instagram site I signed up for a mah jongg lunch, which I’m going to next week. The larger point is that wherever you are, there’s a mah jongg teacher near you. (Mieke says she learned by taking classes at a local library.)
When I got back in town after my initial lessons in NYC, I organized a mah jongg group — it took scouring around to find a mah jongg instructor where I live. We started with four who were all actively looking to learn — one friend I knew well and one I’d just met, and then one of them brought a friend of theirs who I didn’t know. We are now up to six, including new and well-known friends. I now get occasional invitations to play in other mah jongg groups, where I have met six new women. I am a big fan of mah jongg - not only because I’ve met over 10 women I’d like to be friends with in the few months I’ve been playing, but it’s also great mental stimulation. I play backgammon and love it, but mah jongg is hot right now so it feels like a fuller and more fluid social space to join to meet like-minded women who are open to making friends. But backgammon, canasta and bridge all serve the same purpose of combining social and mental stimulation.
I am learning to play padel. With new courts springing up everywhere, including one right next to my apartment building, padel is threatening mah jongg for the title as the hottest new social trend. I started to hear about it everywhere, and then CRUSH Reader Mark wrote about it a couple of weeks ago in Letter No 192. Final straw. “It’s the perfect new sport for both men and women at our stage. It’s a cross between tennis and squash, played mostly as doubles and on a smaller court … The thing that’s great about it is that it is more about strategy and feel than it is power, which means that it is a great coed sport. The courts are smaller than tennis courts, so you add that to the fact that it is played as a doubles’ sport and you get a very fun and social way to get a work out in. That combination is exactly what we all need in our lives right now.“
I signed up for a “first time players” clinic. So fun that I then bought a package.
I’ve rsvp’d yes to more things than ever before. This seems obvious, but I’ve put down my books (and taken my puppy Koko off my lap) and said ”yes” to way more things this year. If I’ve been in town, I haven’t turned down a party (cocktail or dinner party) or a mah jongg invitation. I’ve attended more author talks, more landscape architect talks, more designer talks. Essentially anything that offered the opportunity to meet people with whom I shared a common link (be that mutual friends at a party, or a shared interest).
I have — more than once — fought back the voice in my head that said “I REALLY DON’T FEEL LIKE GOING OUT TONIGHT.“ I’ve overrode that voice and instead said “DISH, THIS WILL PAY OFF. SHOW UP WITH JOY, TAKE HOME JOY.”
And then, if I had an enjoyable, extended conversation with someone at one of these events I got practiced in saying “I’ve really enjoyed chatting with you and I’d love to have a coffee or a drink.”
All of this has worked. I’ve met new friends who I’m really looking forward to getting to know better over time.
Roam: Cuzco, Peru. From CRUSH Reader Patrick
A recurring column where CRUSH Readers share a snapshot of where they’ve been and what they loved there.
Cuzco, Perú
Tell us a little bit about you..
New Yorker, culture nerd, hispanophile and overall bon vivant, I'm passionate about exploring destinations that blend rich culture, history and culinary delights. When I travel (which I do often) I usually aim for extreme value within what’s usually considered a “splurge” experience (I.e. hidden gem top restaurants or using points to fly lie-flat business class abroad). While I focus my travels on history and local character — and thus, adore stylish boutique hotels— I don’t hesitate to stay in chains that offer modern conveniences and are well-located. [I appreciate finding gems that offer value (in location, experience, quality), but I don’t hesitate to splurge where it’s worth it. And while I prefer to stay someplace stylish with character, I don’t hesitate to stay in chains that offer modern conveniences and are well-located, especially if I can use my points.]
What is the reason that you’d go back?
Rich layers of culture, bright sunshine, unusually warm locals, and a unique local highland restaurant scene.
In one word, describe the atmosphere:
Cuzco is a high-altitude, South American version of Rome. Walking around the ancient streets, you uncover evidence of empires built on top of one another, related conflict, and the resulting blossoming of a mestizo people and nation.
Where did you stay?
On balance, what did you think of the hotel?
The Casa Andina isn’t just a comfortable hotel — it’s a historic site! This hotel is set in a colonial mansion, with all the corresponding Andean sun-filled courtyards and architectural details. The rooms are quite nice and updated. The included breakfast is not to be missed — try to get a photo opp with the local villager who visits with her baby Alpaca after breakfast each morning. This hotel is located directly in the historic center of Cuzco, where each civilizations’ temples, mansions, and administrative buildings are stacked like the layers of Charleston’s famous coconut cake.
Any restaurant recommendations?
Any recommendations for someone who has never been there - can’t miss things to do or see?
Museo de arte precolombino and Qorikancha
Anything else we should know?
Go in the dry season (May-Sept). Be ready for the extreme elevation, and don’t exert yourself too much, especially in the first couple of days. The sun can be very strong, due to the high altitude. The roads in the old town are filled with cobblestones, so bring comfortable sneakers.
In this series, readers like you share recommendations for the things they love the most, right at this moment.
Three Things I’m Crushing On. From CRUSH Reader Mieke
The movie “Daddio” on Prime Video, with Dakota Johnson and Sean Penn. The entire movie takes place in a NYC cab so that alone is original. He is a tough cabbie and she is a sophisticated New Yorker, and they are strangers who end up having an extended conversation with emotional depth. I found it very moving and authentic. They have a good chemistry (not sexual).
LA ROCHE-POSAY Toleraine Double Repair Face Moisturizer UV SPF 30. Wow that’s a long one🤪. Suddenly I have discovered this brand’s many products, though it’s been around a long time. These sunscreens are absolutely the smoothest, non whitening and non-drying sunscreens I have used to date. I have almost tried them all !! They make several sunscreens and having tried many I can say this is the most non whitening, skin smoothing, and non drying sunscreen ever! It is a quality product that I have wrongly ignored.
Mah Jongg. Another vote for mah jongg! It may be the new trend but it is a fun and interesting game that is ancient. I took group beginner lessons at a local library. I admit I am obsessed. It’s always mentally challenging and it’s stimulating to learn something new plus it’s social. I also think the various tile designs are fun.
Anything else you’d like to share?
I love the crushes that people send in and have immediately ordered many of the favs. Thank you all 🥰
Social Media I Loved This Week
Song of the Week
Do it Again By the juju orchestra (feat. Carolyn Leonhart & RobertSmith)
This is a great, upbeat yet relaxed version of a classic. It’s the perfect addition to a playlist for a cocktail party.
Come to think of it, I think I should make just such a playlist with this song on it.
I’d love to hear your reaction to The White Lotus season three finale (or really, to anything). Write me at Dish@PrimeCrush.com.
XO,
Dish
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Dish Stanley
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The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter from Dish Stanley curating articles & intelligence on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?
