The Crush Letter No 196: Tumult & Other Things
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Hello Crush,
Happy Saturday morning. I’m glad you’re here.
I’ve had a couple of tumultuous weeks here in Dishland. My sister’s husband (61) passed away last week. His death followed an intense year for my family — we were already managing the care of my parents who, in their late 80’s, still live in their home but are experiencing rapid physical and mental decline. (My Mother had a stroke last year.)
The stress of my brother-in-law’s condition, falling primarily on my very strong sister, was not just emotional and financial. It was an exhausting amount of blocking and tackling of shit. His condition took a severe turn in March when he got COVID and had to go into the hospital, then refused to eat and eventually went into hospice.
His decline was swift and brutal, which in many ways was a blessing. If you’ve had any exposure to those with - or caring for - loved ones with dementia or Alzheimer’s you know what I mean. Before his death, I read this WSJ article by Jason Zweig about the Nobel prize winning economist Daniel Kahneman’s choice to have an assisted suicide in Switzerland to end his life: The Last Decision by the World’s Leading Thinker on Decisions. Thoughtful and balanced, but I am convinced that if I were to get dementia or Alzheimer’s — and probably any other ailment where I was sure to end up in a state where I could no longer enjoy the company of those I love or enjoy doing the things I love — I would want an assisted suicide.
We began to mourn the loss of my brother-in-law when we began to lose the content and gentle person he was over a year ago, when he was full of life. He was a hands on, devoted and loving father and husband. Patient, kind, fun and quick to offer his help. He lived a life full of love, centered on his family.
His life was a blessing. While we wish we had many more years with him as he was when he was fully alive, we are able to recognize that his death, when it came, was also a blessing.
May he be greeted in heaven with the excited kisses of Tess, Jack and Sarah — the dogs who already passed, who he took such good care of.
This seems like an appropriate time to send Passover and Easter wishes to those who celebrate those holidays. I’ll be gathering with family and friends this week end, which feels good and right. I am so grateful for them.
I hadn’t been able to pull together my thoughts on The White Lotus Season Three finale in order to get a Letter out last Saturday given the personal shitstorm and now the moment has passed, but I can say this: I was satisfied with the way that Laurie, Jaclyn and Kate’s got real, thanks to Laurie. She got real. After Jaclyn said she’d been “on cloud nine” all week (really?) Laurie replied “ … I’ve just been so sad …” The vacation with her old friends had made her look back on her life choices with regret. That was the crack that opened things up for the three of them to really give and receive love and support. Laurie’s monologue was the highlight of the finale for me. What did you think?
In This Letter. +What's One Thing You Do To Make Your Relationship Satisfying & Lasting? A new thing, if you want it to be a new thing. +Dermaplane or Nano-needle Your Way to Baby Soft Skin by Lauren Weinstein What’s the point of these? Do they work? We’ve got answers. +Re-Reading Erotic Lit Classics: By Christian Pan The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough +dishing. +Social Media I Loved This Week. +Our Song of the Week
What's One Thing You Do To Make Your Relationship Satisfying & Lasting?
A new thing, if you want it to be a new thing.
Over dinner with some girlfriends a while back we were talking about satisfying marriages. One friend took issue with the term “happy marriage“ because it’s far too simplistic, she said. “What does it even mean? Happy all the time? Can’t be. Happy that you married that person? In a long marriage, honestly, you’re not going to feel that way all the time. There are rough patches.”
We brainstormed. A better approach, we thought, was to think of a good marriage as “satisfying.” The idea is that it most often functions peacefully, productively, lovingly, contentedly, supportively.
We also started talking about the little things that make relationships work over the long haul. The friend who eschewed the term “happy marriage,” and who — by all accounts, hers included — is in a satisfying marriage of over 30 years, offered this up: “There are days - week ends usually, because Paul and I both work — when I challenge myself consciously to give ’just 1% more‘ to him and my marriage that day. I’ll do an extra little thing - stopping to pick him up his favorite yogurt when I’m out running errands, initiating sex, leaving him a love note. It almost doesn’t matter what it is, but I am consciously thinking “he’s a good man - a wonderful husband and father and he does so much for all of us, so what can I do for him today?”
What a great idea, we thought. And then I came across this post about dreamboat Roger Federer. Great, right?
It made me wonder — for those of you CRUSHEs in relationships, what types of things do you consciously do to keep your relationship good?
Dermaplane or Nano-Needle Your Way to Baby Soft Skin by Lauren Weinstein
Wondering about these procedures? Here’s the point.
There is something universally satisfying and smile-inducing about caressing a baby’s cheek. It’s difficult to imagine that our now mature skin once felt so bouncy and velvety soft. What if your skin could feel that way again? Though we can’t turn back the hands of time, we can achieve a brighter, smoother complexion with dermaplaning and/or Nano needling.
Thankfully, we have options, albeit temporary, to recreate that magical feeling for our own skin. Dermaplaning is a minimally invasive cosmetic procedure that is used to treat a variety of skin conditions. It can improve skin texture and tone, reduce the appearance of fine lines, acne scars and allows for better product absorption. It also removes the vellus hairs (peach fuzz) and don’t panic, you will not transform into the Bearded Lady from the circus. The hair will not grow back thicker or darker, since it’s not altering the hair follicle. Initially, you might feel that the growth is coarser due to the blunt cut from the procedure but as it grows back to its original shape, it will soften.
Dermaplaning is relatively simple and painless, with no downtime and it provides immediate visible results. (I enjoy immediate gratification, don't you?) I know the thought of trusting someone to scrape a scalpel across your face sounds terrifying but it’s quite relaxing and soothing. A licensed professional cleans, tones and then preps the skin with a serum/oil. A sterile, angled blade glides gently over the skin in short, light strokes, removing the top layer of accumulated, dead skin cells and vellus hair. The skin is then soothed and moisturized. The procedure can be done in 30 minutes as stand-alone treatment or added to a facial. Dermaplaning can be repeated every 4-6 weeks, however, there are certain contraindications to consider. Avoid dermaplaning if you have rosacea, eczema, psoriasis, acne, raised lesions, moles, skin tags, keloid formations, sunburn , active cold sores, lupus, skin cancer or being treated with Accutane (you must be off for 6 months) or chemotherapy. (You may need a release from your doctor) It is recommended to avoid sun exposure and to use sunscreen. The average cost is $75-$250 depending upon the providers’ experience and location.
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In this series Christian Pan re-discovers classic erotic literature from a current perspective.
Christian Pan is a writer based in New York City who has published six novellas and nearly one hundred short stories focused on the erotic imagination since 2021. He also hosts the monthly Pulse Session for the podcast All the Filthy Details, and under another name works in the entertainment business.
Re-Reading Erotic Lit Classics: The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough Reviewed By Christian Pan
While not exactly pleasurable to experience in one's day to day life, tragic love does make up the substance of the strongest and most enduring stories of all time. A good case-in-point would be The Thorn Birds, the epic saga of the Cleary family which spans more than half of the twentieth century and whose characters seem to suffer exquisitely for readers' enjoyment. Written by Australian author Colleen McCullough while she was working in a research fellowship within the Department of Neurology at Yale University's Medical School, The Thorn Birds remains one of the best-selling novels of all time with over 30 million copies sold. When the sweeping tale was adapted six years into a four-part miniseries in 1983, featuring an all-star cast which included stars like Richard Chamberlain, Rachel Ward, Barbara Stanwyck, and Christopher Plummer, the show not only garnered numerous awards, but also became the most-viewed miniseries since 1977´s eight-part Roots, adapted from Alex Haley's acclaimed novel.
While McCullough´s most popular novel includes numerous plots and storylines spanning three generations on multiple continents, at its heart The Thorn Birds centers on the Catholic priest Ralph de Briccassart (played by the handsome and charismatic Chamberlain in the miniseries) and the young Meggie, the sole daughter of the Cleary family (played beautifully by Ward). The tragic lovers´ first meeting occurs after Meggie, her brothers, and her parents relocate from New Zealand to the Australian Outback. Mary Carson, the estranged sister of Meggie´s father Padraic, wants to spend her last years alive close to the only family she has left, and at first this spinster welcomes the presence of these new residents to her bustling sheep station of Drogheda. However, when she notices that the fondness with which Father Ralph looks on the young girl Meggie, Mary becomes incredibly jealous, even going so far as to change her will so that she can drive a wedge between the two even from the grave.
While the priest and the young girl meet when she is barely ten and there is nearly a twenty year age-gap between them, Ralph's feelings for Meggie are genuinely more platonic than erotic–at least in the beginning. McCullough vividly portrays how the boys and girls are raised differently within not only the Cleary family, but in Australia in general: while the boys are put to work and engage with the lifeblood of Drogheda, Meggie and her mother Fee are regulated to remain largely indoors, preparing meals for the hungry men or cleaning the clothes after they return from their labors with the vast indifferent landscape. Even within his own heart, Father Ralph isn't clear why he is so immediately fond of this little girl, and spends a number of years keeping her at the same arm´s distance as he would an eager pupil.
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dishing.
Things on my radar.
How cool is the photo by Chantal Pinzi, of Shradda Gaikwad, an Indian skateboarding champ? You can see the other remarkable photos in the link above.
I’ve been watching Dying for Sex (Hulu). I will have more to say on this in next week’s Letter when I finish the series, but I have so many thoughts. Michelle Williams is absolutely perfect (divine, really) in the role of the lead Molly, who decides to live authentically and big — and to fully claim her life — when she learns her death from cancer is right around the corner. I had listened to the podcast that this series was based on, which was produced and written by her best friend, and loved it. More next week, CRUSHes.
Have you checked out John Hamm’s latest Your Friends and Neighbors (Prime Video and Apple TV+)? What do you think? I am hoping that it is just starting out slow, and am committed to keep watching it because the story line has loads of potential, but it is — surprisingly — so ‘not great.’ When it should be great. The writing is not great, the production quality isn’t great. It’s just not great. So far. Fingers crossed.
You know what is surprisingly ‘great”? Towards Zero (Britbox by BBC). It is a stylish, sexy Agatha Christie (not kidding!) mystery centered on a love triangle. Hot. Gorgeous. Anjelica Houston as an aging dowager, is worth it alone.
Social Media I Loved This Week
Paulina Porizkova turned 60. She’s beautiful of course, but I like what she wrote even more:
"What I’ve gained leading up to 60…
Well, ten extra pounds. I could agonize over it. Instead I’m trying to accept. Building muscle, staying healthy, and saying goodbye to parts of my wardrobe that’s been with me for 40 years.
A distaste for all men who speak poorly of their ex’s, date much younger women in middle age, and call you crazy.
An appreciation for those of my friends who are steadfastly loyal; those who are happy for my happiness; those who are proud of me instead of always needing to tell me the awful truths about myself.
An acceptance of what makes me ME:
Both good and bad.
A determination to keep doing better.
As a person, a woman, a friend, a lover, a mother.
An understanding that my imperfections do not make me repulsive, crazy or needy; they DO NOT make me unworthy of love. They just keep me real.
A partner that is in every way my equal.
An ability in trusting myself to make a good choice - for myself.
Like investing my time, energy and love in people and situations that are reciprocated.
And most importantly- something I lost and found again, making it even more precious- HOPE.
Stay tuned for what I will gain leading up to 70. (It’ll only take 10years😆)"
Song of the Week
Slow Magic by Jeff Bridges
Jeff Bridges just released this album of pieces from a band he played in back in the 70’s. Groovy.
The New Yorker’s Amanda Petrusich digs into it, and into Bridges here: Jeff Bridges Is Digging It.
Have a productive, satisfying week, CRUSHes.
Dish
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The Crush Letter
The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter from Dish Stanley curating articles & intelligence on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?