The Crush Letter brings love to your inbox weekly on Saturdays. To make you, your weekend — and sometimes even your love life — more compelling. Hell yes, sign me up.
Hello Crush,
Yesterday Michele Lamoureux, host of The Good Life podcast, interviewed me for an upcoming episode about dating in midlife. She has been a long-time reader of The Crush Letter, so she knows I have big feelings, considered thoughts and just lots to say on this topic. The Good Life is a show for midlife women who want to lead healthier, happier and more meaningful lives. She interviews experts for actionable insights into the full range of issues we face, from health, spirituality, careers, menopause and more.
I had to chuckle to myself when she asked me to be a guest. “Expert?” I thought. “On midlife dating?“ I am an expert on the basis of having a lot of experience, I’ll acknowledge. Too much experience! But as the quote above says, “Better to move slowly in the right direction …”
When Michele first asked me I was hesitant for many reasons, but the big ones revolved around whether I felt like a legit “expert” on midlife dating. Doesn’t the very fact that I‘m still dating after all these years argue that I’m no good at it?
The reality is that — after all these years — I feel as if I did just recently good at it. This past summer after a date I had the feeling that I “did that well.” Meaning, I showed up as I wanted to, felt centered enough to observe fully, be fully responsive. I got lost in the date, in that flirty feeling.
Stepping back - about six years ago, my dating arc plummeted after the traumatic break-up of a romance that had lasted a few years. Long after I processed the pain and shock of that betrayal, doubts and fears lingered. They trapped me. It was only this past summer — after a major, deep emotional and physical overhaul — that I got myself back. An even better version, of course, because intense therapy had allowed me to understand lifelong patterns I needed to break.
That story might make it into the podcast, or it might not. But in the coming months I’ll share it with you.
The other truth is that, as an analytical person by nature, when confronted with a confusing, scary unknown, I research the hell out of it. Dating was a scary-as-fuck unknown for me when I was widowed. So over the course of next decade+ I hired two dating coaches, one matchmaker, taken countless online dating programs, read all the advice books, followed all the columns, listened to all the podcasts. By most any standard, all that, plus my extensive experience, makes me an expert.
Michele and I had a wonderful conversation. I think you’ll find it interesting. She said that she expects it to air in February, and I’ll let you know.
In the meantime, over the course of February and in anticipation of my conversation with Michele, we’ll be rolling out a lot of dating stories.
Got one? Please write me at Dish@PrimeCrush.com and we’ll figure out the best way to share it.
In This Letter. +The Friendship Files. By A.K.A. Darla: “Me and Mr. Jones” “Hi, Felipe. It certainly has been a long time.“ +Favorite Non-Fiction Read of 2024: Kingmaker: Pamela Harriman’s Astonishing Life of Power, Seduction and Intrigue By Sonia Purnell This book - her life - was jaw dropping. +Three Things That Keep Me Connected to Others. Seems like everybody is focused on being together now, right? +The One, Simple Technique That Kept Me Sane in a Stressful 2024: Box Breathing +Social Media I Loved This Week. +Our Song of the Week All I am is shreds of doubt
The Friendship Files. By A.K.A. Darla
Our author closes the loop on her friendship with a high school ex who resurfaces right before their 25th high school reunion.
“Me and Mr. Jones”
We’ve all heard the story: High school sweethearts pick up where they left off after 25+ years and live happily ever after, courtesy of Facebook. Yes, boys and girls, for nearly twenty years since its 2006 launch, Facebook has been fanning old flames while destabilizing heretofore “solid” relationships right under our noses. This all sounded pretty far fetched until I opened my own Facebook messenger one winter evening in 2010 and read: Hi. Long time no see. How have you been? You really look great! It would be nice to hear from you. Hope all is well. - Felipe.
Felipe? Felipe! Suddenly, I became one of those old-time cartoon characters who vigorously rubs their eyes in disbelief of what they had just seen. It was almost like getting a message from the other side but, in this case, “the other side” was electronically tethered to my computer. I sat at my desk, stunned, with too many questions darting through my mind: Why now? Have I really been on this guy’s mind? Is it really him? What does he want? Should I even respond? Besides, what does he need to tell me that can’t wait until our upcoming 25th high school reunion? Still, afraid he might disappear into the ether of the interweb, I responded with a very brief synopsis of my present life: Hi, Felipe. It certainly has been a long time. What a surprise. Needless to say, a lot has happened since we last saw each other. I’ve been married, divorced, and I have a teenage son. We live in the old neighborhood with my fiancé (and a dog) and I work in midtown. Overall, life is good. How about you? Will we see you at the reunion?
Continue reading here
Favorite Non-Fiction Historical Read of 2024: Kingmaker: Pamela Harriman’s Astonishing Life of Power, Seduction and Intrigue By Sonia Purnell
I read a lot of really good historical nonfiction books last year — Say Nothing by Patrick Radden Keefe, The Demon of Unrest by Erik Larson, Precipice by Robert Harris, Didion & Babitz by Lili Anolik, to mention just a few. Kingmaker, though, was jaw dropping.
It’s the latest biography of Pamela Churchill Hayward Harriman (to use all her last names), a woman referred to in her young twenties as “Churchill’s secret weapon“ to get the U.S. to enter WWII. Also, at the age of 73, as “one of the best ambassadors that ever served the United States,” about her success as the US Ambassador to France in the 1990’s (her first ever paid job). And also — most famously — as ”the 20th Century’s greatest courtesan,” a reference to how she spent much of the fifty year span between her aforementioned twenties and seventies. During that period, she was the lover of many of the great men on the international stage during that era, most of whom paid her living expenses during (and sometimes after) her lengthy liaisons with them: Gianni Agnelli, Prince Aly Khan, Baron Elie Rothschild, Edward Murrow, Bill Paley, Jock Whitney. And then, of course she was married to Randolph Churchill (Winston’s son), Leland Hayward (the great theatrical agent and producer) and Averell Harriman (businessman and diplomat).
Pamela Harriman didn’t simply sleep with great men. She became their confidante and their advisor, engaged in strategic alliances with them, traded in information, made powerful introductions. Eventually, she parlayed her shrewdness in making “connections” into her own political power base. Madeleine Albright summed it up best when she said Harriman was “not a woman to let the century pass her by.” Harriman’s life is a hell of a remarkable story. A triumph of soft skills, guts, persistence and ambition, she dodged gossip, jealousy, disrespect and terrible financial and legal advice to create a life that put her in the center of much of the great action in her era.
While I found the first part of the book, centered on her astonishing role in World War II as Winston Churchill’s confidante, the most absorbing, the whole book was astonishing. A life like no other, and one of the most fascinating women of the century.
What was your favorite read of 2024? I’d love to know! Write to me at Dish@PrimeCrush.com (and it would be super helpful if you remembered to put “Favorite Read” in the subject line so I catch it). Thanks!
In this series, readers like you share recommendations for the things they love the most, right at this moment.
Three New Things That Keep Me Connected to Others
Maybe it’s that we’re still recovering from our COVID isolation, maybe it’s that we’re still recovering from becoming empty nesters (or divorced or a move, or whatever) but I feel like a lot of us are looking for ways to be more connected with others. Here are three that have been working for me lately.
Taking Up Mah Jongg. It started last spring when I slid into my seat to get a pedicure and a girlfriend happened to be in the chair next to mine. (We couldn’t have scheduled that if we tried for days.) Within five minutes, she said “We need a fourth for Mah Jongg on Tuesday.” “Oh, I don’t play,” I responded. “What?” She said. Then “Dish, everybody plays now.” That was in New York. A few weeks later I was in Boston over a coffee with a professional acquaintance who is part of a distinctly different, younger, more tech-forward demographic. She was also looking for a fourth for Mah Jongg. A few weeks later, ditto the scenario, change the scenery, with a Florida friend.
Now that I have taken it up, I understand its surging popularity. It is a quick game of pattern recognition that tests your concentration and strategic thinking. It is also exceptionally social — much more so than bridge. I think you have to learn live, and I think it takes at least two live classes before you start getting the hang of it. Once you learn live, you can practice online (I play at realmahjong.com.) Just google “how to find a mah jongg class near you” for the many options on where to learn. I got the name of an instructor from a friend, but another friend learned at our local library, another at a local community center. It’s a terrific way to spend time with friends, and make new ones.
Flighty for Families & Friends. My nephew and I both live solo and — especially given how tough travel can be these days - thought it was a good idea if we kept track of each other’s flights. This way we can confirm arrivals and departures, and even check in by text when one of us is on a trip. We sort of did this already, but not consistently and not with the kind of detailed information you’d want to have if there was an adverse news announcement. He recently told me about Flighty, an app that won some design and “best new app” awards when it came out in 2023. It’s been getting some buzz from travel sites, too. We tried it starting with holiday travel and I love it. With Flighty, you load the dates and flight numbers for your trips and then pick who will get what notifications. Last week, when my nephew arrived in Mexico City I sent him a text to have a great vacation. And then, when he landed in New York, I sent him one saying I’d made a reservation at our favorite Thai place (conveniently located on his route from La Guardia into the city) and since I could see that he landed on time, I said “I see you’ve landed - I’ll see you there!”
Impromptu, One-off, Book Discussions with Friends. I’ve now tried this a few times, and I think I’ll keep doing it. As I’ve finished a book I liked that I think a particular friend, or friend group, might like, I give (send) it to her/him/them with a note. “I loved this book. I also sent it to Lee and Sam. Don’t feel compelled to read it if it doesn’t interest you or if you’re swamped, but if you do read it I’d love to discuss it with you. And Maybe Lee and Sam at the same time?” Two out of the three times I’ve done this, it’s been a hit. (And when you’re talking about staying connected with busy, midlife friends those odds are good.) The way it ended up working best is that as one friend finished the book, he sent around a group text: “Done with Empire of Pain. Anyone else finished it? I want to discuss.” That, in turn, resulted in a “How about next week? I need this week end to finish it.” This works best, for obvious reasons, with books that are under 300 pages and are “approachable.”
Joining an ongoing book club is a commitment. But getting an already selected, recommended book in the mail from a friend to discuss it with on no particular timetable? Just whenever you’re done with it? That’s easy, and provides yet another way to stay in touch.
The One, Simple Technique That Kept Me Sane in a Stressful 2024: Box Breathing
These sandwich years — feeling overwhelmed by the needs of the generations before and after ours — require some no-nonsense, quick, do-anywhere stress release tactics. During a very stressful end to 2024, I did this box breathing technique every morning before and after sleep. Five times rounds.
Here are the steps:
- Breathe in for 4 seconds
- Hold it for 4 seconds
- Breathe out for 4 seconds
- Hold for another 4 seconds
Social Media I Loved This Week
Song of the Week
Laugh Track by The National (Featuring Phoebe Bridgers)
I had another song picked out for this Letter, but my conversation with Michele Lamoureux from The Good Life podcast about all these years spent dating since my late husband’s passing brought this song to mind. Laugh Track is by The National, a band from Brooklyn I’ve been following for a while. I once read about them that they’re an “adult-oriented Indie Rock band,” and boy, that fits.
Laugh Track is a soft, poignant song that captures the feeling you have on those days when you ponder how your life turned out like this, how far it is from where you imagined it might be at this point. How much messier it is, how much more vulnerable you feel, how you thought you’d get to place where you’d be on top of everything. This is a song for when you realize you never will be on top of everything, and that’s okay. That’s human.
“I think our feet are gonna slip/
I think our hands are gonna shake/
I think our eyes are gonna cry/
I think our hearts are gonna break/
Turn on the laugh track …”
Hope your week is absolutely wonderful, CRUSHes.
XO,
Dish
Some Past Related Articles You Don't Want To Miss:
Dish Stanley
Dish Stanley
Dish Stanley
Crush PoV
Dish Stanley
If you love me as much as I love you (and I really do love you!), then please help me grow by forwarding this {love} Letter to a friend! And I'd love to have you join us on instagram.
The Crush Letter
The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter from Dish Stanley curating articles & intelligence on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?
