The Crush Letter No 182: Here I Am, Mike’s Older Outside, Rewatching Moonstruck & Lots of Great Reader Letters
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Hello Crush,
Here I am.
I had a tough late summer and early fall. I mentioned already that I discovered that my dog Rikki - I mean, my soulmate Rikki - had liver cancer. I had to make the tough decision of letting her go. While reeling from that, I got a call from my brother who was in the emergency room with my Mother. She’d had a stroke. And God, that was so fucking scary. Existential crisis scary. (She’s doing fine now, thank you.)
Many more (but much less important) things then went wrong. A bedroom got flooded. It poured — POURED - every day of the Camino hiking trip I went on to celebrate a friend’s 60th birthday. (I mean, we were hiking through mud, CRUSHes.) Over the month I was away the credit card that “auto pays” ALL my bills expired, which I didn’t catch until it got embarrassing.
Then my sister got angry at me. Then I ran into an ex with his hot current girlfriend, just as stress-induced rosacea blisters plastered my face. Then I ran into a formerly very close friend and lied and said “everything is great,” which turned my stomach.
I just couldn’t get my footing.
I kept thinking “gosh it’s been so long since I published a CRUSH Letter that I really should produce some kind of thoughtful essay apologizing for being away for so long. Discussing the ways life comes at us now. But I couldn’t.
I am sorry I was away so long, CRUSHes. I really don’t have a more accurate way to explain it except to say, as I said, I just couldn’t get my footing.
You saved me though, CRUSHes. Or at least allowed me to pull this Letter together.
One of you started a YouTube channel on getting outside. (I love it.) A number of you replied with super interesting letters when I asked whether you were watching The Golden Bachelorette or Nobody Wants This. (Those were some good letters.
You wrote with insight and feeling.) And one of you (Christian Pan, a frequent contributor), shared a timely reconsideration of watching Moonstruck. (Timely because Part 1 of Cher’s memoir is out, and also timely because Moonstruck will be a perfect watch over Thanksgiving weekend.)
So we’ve got a lot in this Letter. All great. All from you, really. Thank you.
And god, I love you. We have the best readers in the world.
It feels really good to be back.
In This Letter. +Older Outside: Seeking Peace By Getting Out. A New YouTube Channel from big-time PrimeCrush Contributor MikeTrap +Love & Mike’s “Bad Girl Pasta.” +PrimeCrush & Chill: Movies Worth A Re-Watch: Moonstruck (1987) Reviewed by Christian Pan +Dear Dish +Our Song of the Week
Older Outside: Seeking Peace By Getting Out
A New YouTube Channel from Dedicated PrimeCrush Contributor @MikeTrap
“I just get up and go out. And don’t let the old man in.”
That’s @MikeTrap quoting Clint Eastwood (in a conversation between Eastwood and Toby Keith). You can catch the story behind it and how it relates to Mike’s life on his new YouTube channel Older Outside. In it he explores how he has discovered the value of getting outside. Its value, Mike suggests through his videos and stories, is sometimes to fight off the feeling of creaky joints, sometimes to enjoy some camaderie with a friend, sometimes to center yourself, sometimes to be inspired. But sometimes it’s just to beat back the blues.
I can relate. During my tough late summer/early fall - spent tending to my Mother after her stroke and to my dying dog (among other less heart-wrenching catastrophes) - I often felt I was dangling on the precipice of depression. At the first moment I felt that dreaded “dangling” feeling I would drop whatever I was doing, immediately grab my sneakers and head out for a walk. Sometimes I ”dangled” multiple times a day. So I walked repeatedly. Thankfully, New England is gorgeous for walks in the fall. Also, it was training for my Camino hike later in the fall with girlfriends. (I’ll write more on that soon.) Getting outside really helped me beat back those blues.
Mike’s channel Older Outside is reflective, calm, affirming. The videos are often beautiful. It’s hopeful. It’s also characteristically Mike: understated, not overly boisterous. He’s not tied up in another version of hustle culture. He’s looking to bring out the best traits in himself and others. He’s not looking to brag.
Mike’s entire manner in Older Outside is an antidote to some other outdoor go-getters (including, but not limited to, other middle-aged men whose names I won’t mention) who make you feel as if you have to eat nails for breakfast after sprinting The Great Himalaya Trail as part of your “morning boot up routine” in order to “win the day” and “crush life.”
What Mike is offering, as I understand it (and it’s new), is the opportunity to go outside to get what you need inside — whether that is centering, or inspiration. And there’s no reason to over-complicate it or create a lot of unnecessary fanfare.
Mike describes ‘Older Outside’ as “one man’s journey to embrace nature as a source of peace and inspiration. Eventually.”
I like that.
Mike's 'Older Outside' YouTube channel
MikeTrap’s Best Recommendations for The CRUSH Letter
And while we’re talking about @MikeTrap, I thought I’d remind you of some of the excellent recommendations he’s made since the beginning of The CRUSH Letter. And also, of course, below that one of his recipes.
Watch. Formula One: Drive to Survive (Netflix)
"I don’t think I saw this in DEVOUR when Season 1 originally came out in 2019, but this wildly popular Netflix show about the fast-paced and fascinating people who make up the world of Formula One racing is up to five seasons now for a reason. It’s surprising and engrossing, and I knew nothing about F1 racing before it started. A sixth season is on its way, so this is a good time for anybody who overlooked this series to catch up."
Watch. Quantum Love (Prime Video)
"With the qualifier that I could watch Sophie Marceau read the phone book, check out Quantum Love. Great."
Mike’s Recommendation for the Softest Men’s Boxers: Duluth Trading Co. Buck Naked Boxers
“Wicking, chafe-free, loose, with a soft waistband.” - MikeTrap
Love & Mike’s “Bad Girl Pasta.”
Reprinted from a very early CRUSH Letter, during the days before Stanley Tucci became ubiquitous. Long before his show Searching for Italy.
“I wrote about The Sex Object Stanley Tucci, and how The New Yorker (and the rest of the world) just recently realized that Tucci is a sex symbol, though some of us have known since he stole the show in Big Night in 1996.
It got me thinking about how a perfect post-pandemic Sunday night "friends gathering" would have everyone rolling up with a big bowl of their favorite pasta and a bottle of wine to share. And then we‘d all just low-key casually shoot the shit about big and small things, as if the joy of being together in an ordinary way is ordinary life (which is most definitely hasn’t been). And the very next thing I thought is that I would want my friend Mike there, and I'd hope he'd bring his "Bad Girl Pasta."
Like The Sex Object Stanley Tucci, Mike is Italian on both sides. Sicilian on his mother’s side, and Calabrese on his father’s. “There was a lot of yelling,” he offers nonchalantly. Mike learned to cook at the elbow of his grandmother, "Mama," from whom he also learned that a beautiful bowl of pasta is a bowl of love (and other important lessons about feeling the presence of love he shares here.) "I've long held we can taste the presence (or absence) of love in the things we eat ... We can feel the love in most things, actually ... in the work of artists, writers and directors.") Like the Sex Object Stanley Tucci, Mike cooks (and shares it with us on instagram.) The story of puttanesca pasta as it was handed down to Mike (most likely from "Mama").
"Italian sex workers don't make a lot of money, and they don't have a lot of time for lunch.
They needed a delicious lunch that could be made with pantry staples, a pasta sauce that could be prepped in the time it took to boil the water, and done in th time it took to cook the pasta. Thus was born Pasta Puttanesca, or "Bad Girl Pasta" as it's it's known in Mike's house. In Italian, roughly speaking, Pasta of the Whores. Thanks, ladies."
Oh, and for the red wine to pair it with? Mike says "Something that can hold up. Santa Cristina, maybe, or a nice Pinot (like a Cristom Mt. Jefferson from Oregon.) Nothing fancy."
Thanks, Mike. All that love? We're feeling it.
Here it is (along with a lot of other food stories) on Mike's Insta @miketrap. You can get the recipe card on our website here.
PrimeCrush & Chill: Movies Worth A Re-Watch by Christian Pan
In this periodic column we hook back up with our favorite ex's--as in classic movies worth a re-watch. Many of these we love now in particular because of the ways they explore love and life at our stage.
Christian Pan is a writer based in New York City. Since 2021, he has published sixteen novellas and over a hundred short stories exploring the erotic imagination. In addition to book & film reviews, he hosts the Pulse Session for the monthly podcast All the Filthy Details, and is a founding author of TheoReads.
Moonstruck (1987)
Amazon Prime, Apple TV, YouTube
Starring: Cher, Nicolas Cage, Vincent Gardenia, Olympia Dukakis, Danny Aiello
Released: December 18, 1987 (USA)
Basic Plot: Believing herself to be cursed to never fall in love again, Italian-American Loretta (Cher) believes she has no choice than (I would use “but”) to accept the marriage proposal from Johnny (Danny Aiello), until she meets his younger brother Ronny (Nicolas Cage) and the two share a passion which completely changes their lives.
Summary: Ever since her first husband died not long after they got married, Loretta (Cher) has thought that she has been living under some kind of curse. She is a good bookkeeper for various businesses in her Italian-American neighborhood in Brooklyn, a good daughter to her parents (Vincent Gardenia & Olympia Dukakis), but she has resigned herself to never again feel the kind of passion that she once felt when she was younger, the kind of true love that is described repeatedly in music and literature. So when her nice but dull boyfriend Johnny (Danny Aiello) proposes marriage over dinner the night before he travels to Sicily to be with his dying mother, she accepts with little enthusiasm.
But that all quickly and irreparably changes when she meets Johnny´s estranged younger brother Ronny (Nicolas Cage), initially to invite him to the wedding coming up in a few weeks' time. Irresistibly, as if possessed by some strange power of the moon, Loretta and Ronny fall into a crazy kind of love, upending both of their worlds.
At the same time, Loretta´s parents also seem to be acting a little “moonstruck,“ with their emotions leading them into unexpected realms. One night, while her mother Rose is dining alone at her favorite restaurant, she welcomes some affectionate attention from another guest (John Mahoney), as if curious what it would be like to feel desired again. Meanwhile, Loretta discovers her father Cosmo arm in arm with another woman at the Metropolitan Opera.
Why Re-watch: Before Moonstruck, Cher had already established her bona fides as a serious actor by working in a number of roles during the 1980s, including projects helmed by respected directors Mike Nichols (Silkwood, where she earned a Best Supporting Actress nomination) and Peter Bogdanovich (Mask, in which she won Best Actress at the Cannes Film Festival that year). But it was in this film by playwright John Patrick Shanely that the “Goddess of Pop” got shine as a romantic lead.
Who hasn't felt some level of identification with Loretta–a widow who feels like they will never love again, choosing to dive into work and family instead of allowing oneself to “lose your reason” by feeling actual passion for another human being? Not that Johnny (Aiello) is a terrible person, by any means; but as we see from his proposal to Loretta during dinner, as well as their awkward drive to the airport afterwards, it's evident that this relationship is built more on convenience than desire.
Continue reading here
Dear Dish ...
On Netflix’s Nobody Wants This
“Hi Dish:
For a while we’ve been lamenting Hollywood’s seeming inability to just make great old-school, smart sweet-but-not smarmy, romantic comedies that can be enjoyed just as popcorn-entertainment. Or ones that try to be thoughtful complex tales but still be light and funny, not didactic, and if viewer wants to say fuck the complexity, cool, it‘s still an enjoyable funny romantic comedy. So “smart“ meaning well done, clever, maybe sometimes subtle or even challenging but never smug, mean, preachy or seemingly filtered by social justice committees or a writer’s/producer’s virtue signaling. Or fuck all that. Hollywood: how about just comedies that are funny, but not cartoons, have a heart, but don’t feel any need to inject politics, snark, DEI.
It used to be so common - and so successful. We’ve been binging original The Bob Newhart Show. {Available on PrimeVideo.} Heck, as recently as 10-20 years ago, still mainstream: we so so love Modern Family. Original Roseanne (smart, subversive, subtle if one cares and if not, so funny and so much heart). Kiva has never seen The Honeymooners - masterpieces age so well and fuck politics and subtext, fine, so damn funny and heartful - and so simple and proud.
Anyways, just reading Crush No. 179 and your shout out to “Who Needs This” - hear hear! It delightfully proves can be done! And what a huge hit on Netflix — and despite the NYTimes op ed page editorial calling it “mean“ “anti-semitic“ “cheap“ “stereotype peddling“ “dangerous“ “slick,” etc.
xoxo
Adam & Rachel
“Dish!
I was ALL IN on Nobody Wants This. I want to say — and I’m a Jewish woman — that I thought it was hilarious. Remember the ‘Easter Dinner‘ scene from Woody Allen’s Annie Hall? {Here it is.} Funny! We can argue about whether we are laughing at the very gentile Hall family, or at Allen’s very Jewish character Alvy or just laughing because we are terribly uncomfortable with the obvious anti-semitism depicted. Or we can just laugh. The bottom-line is that it is not running away from a reality. It‘s exploring it. I applaud that.
Oh, and yes I know Allen has been cancelled. Don’t watch him if you don’t want to. I think his best stuff is brilliant, and timeless. I respect others choices on this but for me: I don’t have to decide to approve or disapprove of him to enjoy his films. I grew up in New York, and they are intertwined with the fabric of my life and identity so there is no point for me trying to erase them. At least not all of them — some of them make me cringe, yes, of course. But Annie Hall? That would be like trying to excavate an organ. His films are masterpieces, or some of them are, at least to me, and after much thought I’ve decided to take them on their own merit.
Nobody Wants This is something that should be out in the world right now. I don’t think it’s a masterpiece like some Woody Allen movies, or even like When Harry Met Sally. But it’s funny and smart, and it’s tackling the awkwardness (and hell) of dating while having religion. (Or while being a religion?) And the reality that love is often inconvenient and doesn’t follow the rules.
Sara”
“Dear Dish: I agree that Nobody Wants This was the bomb! Over lunch friends were saying it’s better than When Harry Met Sally. I wouldn’t go that far myself, but I would say that we haven’t had such an entertaining and captivating romantic comedy in a long while, and we needed it in this moment. Lily”
On The Golden Bachelorette (Hulu)
“Dish,
You‘re missing out if you’re not watching The Golden Bachelorette. Among many other reasons to watch: Joan has set boundaries. The biggest is that she removed the beds from the “fantasy suites” because she insists on not having physically intimate sessions with multiple men. DUH. That was gross on The Golden Bachelor.
Also, the friendship and support that these older men show each other is very touching. They become very vulnerable. It’s an eye-opening look at male loneliness and insecurity, among other things. Mary“
“Madame Dish-a-Lish,
I am watching the GB. One because I love this show forever, and two I was curious about what kind of men would appear. Your words were thoughtful and kind regarding one’s personal path of aging. Far be it from any of us to judge. And I love what you wrote, and completely agree, about the fact that she was picked to be on television. It’s a visual medium. Joan’s looks are a bit over perfected to my taste …and her outfits are kinda cutesy. I think they make her look a bit housewives of someplace, but in the end I like her, her personality, sense of fun, authentic way and sensitivity towards others. I like to imagine myself on the show and how I would respond, whom I am attracted to and the makeover they might give me 🙏🏻😊🤪. It must be quite a mind bending and life changing experience and that is what attracts me. Go Joan, go Joan💃, go Joan !!!👩🏼❤️💋👨🏻
Song of the Month
As Good as I Once Was by Toby Keith
From @Miketrap on his YouTube channel Older Outside:
"I'm not a huge Toby Keith fan but there's a few of his songs that I really love and one of them is "Not As Good As I Once Was", that really speaks to that feeling that you've lost a step, but you're hanging in there and fighting on.”
You can watch the rest of Mike's video on his YouTube channel "Older Outside" here
I hope you have wonderful Thanksgivings - every one of you. I am thankful for you.
Dish
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The Crush Letter
The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter from Dish Stanley curating articles & intelligence on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?