The Crush Letter No 170: Social Media I Loved (Reels, Reels, Reels), This Must Be the Place ACK Version
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Hello Crush,
Thanks for being here. I did a lot of bopping around in the last 10 days—Boston, New York City, Nantucket, Long Island. I saw a lot of friends, which was fabulous, but there was a lot of couch surfing (so to speak), too, which was tiring. I don’t know about you but I always enjoy that feeling of getting back from a flurry to settle in.
There was also a lot of scrolling on social media during my down time traveling, so today I‘m sharing some of the best.
In This Letter. +Social Media I Loved This Week. Reels, Reels, Reels. +Comeback Queen: The Best of the Best Responses When Somebody Is Rude to You It’s not “f*ck you” (as tempting as that might be) The Cut‘s Cheating Series: What My Clients Told Me About Their Wives +This Must Be the Place. A Native New Yorker Shares His Spot in Nantucket That's "Not Stupid Expensive" +Our Song of the Week So, roll the dice, boy
Social Media I Loved This Week: Reels, Reels, Reels.
Most Useful for Combating Rudeness
Comeback Queen: The Best of the Best Responses When Somebody Is Rude to You
@christie_ferrari has published six reels (so far) on what to say to somebody who is rude to you. I find that having something in my back pocket in this situation is oddly empowering, probably because my tendency is to be so caught off guard that I say nothing. And yet, I don’t feel good about not calling people on their rudeness in some way. By acknowledging the rudeness there’s the chance, or the hope, that they reflect and regroup. Or at the very least, they don’t walk away feeling like it went unnoticed.
Yet I don’t want it to escalate, that’s for sure. I want to acknowledge it in a way that tampers the rudeness down.
With that in mind, I’ve reviewed all six parts of Ferrari’s rudeness series, and here are the ones I’ll use the most (depending on the context).
Calmly reply with, “say that again? I’m not sure I heard you correctly.”
You’re calling them out & also giving them the chance to try again. If they don’t repeat it (and they won’t usually) they’re acknowledging it’s rudeness.
“Are you okay?”
This response is disarming as it can take the person by surprise and discourage further rudeness. It can also shift the focus from their rudeness to their well-being, potentially causing them to reflect on their behavior. Asking “are you okay?” might also open the door for the person to explain themselves (“I just got awful news, I’m sorry.”) Often rudeness can stem from having a bad day or having personal things going on.
“That was an interesting thing to say out loud.”
You’re offering a sarcastic explanation for what they just said to you, making them less likely to continue being rude to you.
If you want to see every one of her suggestions, keep reading here.
Most Heartwarming
“Never, mate.“ A London black cab drivers tradition.
“I don’t charge people taking their kids to Great Ormond Street.” This is a heartwarming, faith in humanity story. From ub1ub2 “West London’s biggest page.” “It’s more than a location.”
Watch it here.
Most Amusing. And Also, I’ll Stick with My Hairstylist
Korean Hairstylists Are Too Honest: Do You Have A Girlfriend Version.
I’m not sure why I was so amused by this, but over the course of this consultation this Korean hairstylist provides her potential client with a number of reasons why his look is holding him back. From Andrew Oporto’s ”Comedian / Writer / Actor”
Watch it here.
Most Useful for Women Who Have Thinning Hair But Want to Rock Va-Va-Voom Tresses. Or Who Just Need Hair Styling Tips.
“What can I do for you today?”
From bygreghill “Master Hair Stylist, hair educator and #blowdryexpert
I have been freaking out about my thinning hair, and have taken a number of steps to address it. (Beyond breathing deeply and feeling grateful for all the miracles and blessings in my life, like this woman featured on Humans of New York does. And grateful about the things about my body that I really do like. Like my tits. They’ve been a lot of fun through the years.) (I’m working on a piece about all the steps I’ve taken to address (and live with) my thinning hair, so stay tuned.)
Anyway. My long-time stylist is terrific (not to mention patient) and gives me lots of pointers on how to “achieve her look” but it wasn’t until stumbling on this encouraging, calm and soothing British stylist that I actually learned how to get the va-va-voom look I’m rocking (ahem, in my mind!) now.
He starts so many of his consultations with “What can I do for you today?” And then he listens. He really listens. And he’s so encouraging and kind. I mean, people even complain that his videos are too long because of all the time he spends listening to his clients (mostly women), making them feel important and validating their concerns and questions. I mean, take this one:
“So I find that as I’m aging, it feels like it’s much thinner … “
Watch it here.
Look at all the tutorials, though. It’s a smorgasbord of hair tips. Pick your hair low-point, listen to his solution!
Best In Show.
Justice for Odin. “Odin, buddy, why are you standing in the kitty bed?”
I almost never don’t open cute dog videos. Sweet Odin. From Pubity “Bringing entertainment to a community of millions.”
The Cut‘s Cheating Series: What My Clients Told Me About Their Wives By Dish Stanley
New York Magazine’s The Cut ran a series on cheating this week, not a subject that I’m generally drawn to read about in and of itself. But I do have an interest in the relationship dynamics of romantic partnerships, in the initial dating phase, of course (because I’m dating), but particularly in long-term partnerships.
(Lisa Ellex writes a column for us on long-term love called Extended Encounters, one of my favorite columns, and if you’re in a long-term partnership and would agree to be featured (anonymously, if you prefer) please write her at LisaEllex@gmail.com.)
Of course, sex is a part of the mix in understanding romantic relationships. For that reason, I read What My Clients Told Me About Their Wives, an excerpt from a book written by Charlotte Shane, a sex worker who writes about her professional experiences.
The Cut piece caught my attention because, as its title suggests, it is focused on her married clients and their relationships, rather than on her and/or her relationship with her client. Meaning, it has the possibility of giving insight on the primary romantic relationship her clients’ are in. I am curious about that: the reasons for marital infidelity, how that infidelity is “managed” by the couple (openly and directly, open but ignored, or as a secret), the client’s feelings about ”outsourcing” (so to speak) that element to a paid sex worker.
I didn’t find it incredibly illuminating, I’ll admit, but I’ll share some of the answers I found most interesting.
Why do husbands hire her? What does she say about whether the wives know? Shane has this to say:
“Bed death was the excuse offered by clients who felt obligated to explain why they were in a committed relationship and also naked with me, and to their credit it was normally presented with resignation but not accusation or enmity. ‘We don’t have sex anymore’ held both parties responsible — or neither, as if they were just adapting to a circumstantial change, like they’d sold their sailboat or their outdoor cat had gone missing. If there really had been years of little to no erotic intimacy, surely the wives could figure out how the husbands coped. Maybe the wives coped by using adultery, too.”
Do the husbands worry about their wives cheating on them?
Evidently not. Shane says this about her clients—evidently, always the husbands:
“I suspect their complacency came from knowing they had the money, and that their wives were unlikely to forfeit their lifestyles and incite the gossipy local scandal a divorce would cause. The husbands may also have assumed their wives were too busy with the kids.”
Does she [Shane] consider the wife at all?
She does, but not in a way that I expected.
“Whether or not a wife sounded likable, I knew I usually had more in common with her than with him. Any person can be cheated on at any time, though it feels like a uniquely humiliating and female position to be put in. But the clients, almost all of them, made a strong case for the impossibility of male fidelity. More than that, my identification with the wife was based on my assumption that she and I both hated having sex with him or listening to him bloviate, yet we relied on him for money.”
One of the reasons I know that “bed death” is something that some CRUSH Readers deal with—and thus, why this article from The Cut intrigued me—is that we ran a TOPIX written by CRUSH Reader Mike Johnson last year, My Marital Arrangement. It is Mike’s account of “bed death“ in his marriage, and in the piece he shared his very honest, revealing, painful account of how he and his wife have coped with it. Readers reacted with a range of thoughts, but among my own many strong feelings when I read it was sympathy, not a reaction I expected going in.
Read it here:
But I have to say, as a way to address ‘bed death,’ if that’s the primary reason men hire her, the line ”my identification with the wife was based on my assumption that she and I both hated having sex with him or listening to him bloviate, yet we relied on him for money” certainly makes that option sound unappealing.
This Must Be The Place: How A Native New Yorker Vacations on Nantucket. By Jonathan
Now is the time to plan your fall week end escapes. Nantucket is at its loveliest in autumn, so we’re re-running Jonathan’s tips on visiting the grey lady. In addition to his secrets, I’d like to add Straight Wharf Fish to the list. It is the Straight Wharf group’s new, more casual walk-in (no reservations required or taken) restaurant. I had an absolutely wonderful visit with a close friend there last week over a fabulous meal of margarita’s, swordfish and fries. We had a view from their terrace overlooking the harbor. Divine girlfriend night. (Note that they don’t have a full bar, but serve a limited cocktail menu and wine.)
A little bit about me…
“I am in my 70’s. Native New Yorker. Never really lived anywhere else. I currently have the kind of job that requires me to be on the road a lot — I spent the last fourteen months mostly in Europe, traveling to the U.S. just to see my kids. I have two grown kids - great kids, thank god. Both work in the film industry (as do I) - one in L.A. and one in NYC. As it relates to this specific endeavor, though, you might be interested to know that I am also an Ex’s of Dish. We dated for a couple of years, ending a few years ago. I still think she’s fabulous. Very interesting, always. A great partner.”
{Gee thanks, Jonathan! —Dish}
In the past, I’d go out…
“My favorite restaurant - where I regularly took my kids and met up with friends - was always Orsay, on the Upper East Side. It’s near where we lived as a family, before and after my divorce from their Mother.”
When things changed…
“When my kids grew up. That changed everything. Their Mother and I were divorced long before the kids flew off. I had taken a job in the city in the wake of the divorce that didn’t require travel, in order to be a major part of their lives. So I flew off shortly after they did; started traveling for work again.”
The place I love most…
“This isn’t the place I love the most, not by a lot. The place I love the most is New York City. But I am writing about Nantucket, both because I have good memories there (time with kids, and with Dish …) and also because of its unique character, and it relaxes me. Also, I just returned from there.”
In one word, I’d describe the atmosphere as…
“The way I do it, it’s relaxing. And a mix of people and things. You can be pretty low-key most days, but then you also have the option of throwing a smart jacket over a collared shirt and jeans and going out somewhere swish. When I used to date Dish she liked to put on a sexy summer dress and go out a couple nights a week.”
If you go there, I’d recommend…
“If you appreciate something more comfortable than trendy or chic, try 29 India House. There are much fancier places on the island, like Greydon House, but 29 India House has a very loyal clientele for a reason. And personally, I don’t need to bump into a lot of hyped-up people I do (or don’t) already know doing hyped-up people things. 29 India House has great beds and these quite fancy Toto toilets that do every imaginable thing for you. It is in a great location on a quiet street in town at a reasonable price (for Nantucket). The best thing about the place is that it is lovingly run (and owned) by the wonderfully charming Forrest Smith. Spring for The Garden Room (an extra $50/night) because you’ll have your own separate entrance. It’s $400-500 in season.”
Anything else..?
“Go to Black-Eyed Susan’s for dinner. It was an island institution, closed for a bit, then the long-time chef Todd Edwards evidently bought it out. I loved it. I love sitting at the counter and watching Tom and his sous-chef prepare all the meals. It is a tiny, inviting, unpretentious place and not stupidly expensive. It’s BYOB and more about the food and simple, honest ambience. I like the lemon ricotta pancake and chicken paillard, but they have more creative items for those who are more daring eaters than I. Besides the two cooking in the kitchen, there are two waitresses for eight tables inside (there are an additional four outside and eight-to-ten seats at the bar).
One more thing, if you want to experience Nantucket at its best go during the period starting on Labor Day to the third week of October. Avoid it in July and the first couple of weeks in August if you can.”
Social Media I Loved This Week
Song of the Week
Winning Streak by Glen Hansard
97.7 ACK True Island Radio is Nantucket‘s fabulous local radio station. “An adult album-oriented alternative station.” In addition to the great music, you get authentic local news from pit stops around the island—a fishing report from a guy who is legit sitting in a boat with waves crashing: “Well the bluefish really loved last night’s shift in currents and this morning found packs of them along …” Or a swimming report from a lifeguard stationed on Dionis Beach: “This is a great day to head out to Dionis with your young kids, as the waters are unusually calm today …”
While driving around the Island last week (in the MINI my friend graciously lent me to run errands) I heard this song for the first time. Pulled over in front of the windmill on Prospect Street to Shazam it I liked it so much. Loving, peaceful, calm, enticing.
“Through summers long and
Winters cold
May you always have someone good to hold
And may good fortune wait on every bend
And may your winning streak
May it never end, So, roll the dice, boy
'Cause my money's on you
Take my advice now and put your money down too
Because there's something in the eye you can't pretend
And may your winning streak
May it never end”
Listen, I think you’ll enjoy it.
Dish
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The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter from Dish Stanley curating articles & intelligence on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?