Other articles in our sexting CRUSH Letter spell out the 101’s of sexting: establishing expectations, consent, checking in and agreeing on what can (and cannot be done) with your sexts after the fact. We recommend you read Foria’s Totally Useful Guide to Sexting to start. Here Dish reveals more about her personal style and shares some sext snippets and sensual words to inspire your own sexting.
Tell Me More: Dish’s Personal & Practical Tips for Sexting Mastery (Part 1 of 3)
Dish’s Ode to Sexting
I love sexting. Giving it thoughtfully and receiving it joyfully, like it's a heaping bowl of creamy carbonara that we're sharing by handing it back and forth until we’re both sated.
It's its own language.
If you think of sexting as simply shooting over some dirty talk or an explicit photo by text, you’re not thinking hard enough {1}. I prefer to look at it as an additional, unique mode of verbal communication. And we need as many modes as possible to stay connected for the obvious reason that sometimes one works better than another to get through (or get by, after a conflict).
In truth, I think the term "sexting" is too narrow to capture the full potential of this communication style - texting intended to establish and maintain closeness - since many of the techniques that work best for sexting apply, of course, to any non-sexual text with your closest friends. I think something like "intimate texting" is a more accurate descriptor of what I’m trying to master, though admittedly not as catchy.
But in this piece let’s focus on the sexy text.
Can't Say It? Sext It.
Sometimes there are things you very much want to say – or should be saying – that for whatever reason you haven’t (or can’t) say in person or over the phone. (Like suggesting certain fantasies.) Or on the flipside and just as importantly - there are things you might think it would be easier for your partner to receive by text (because they’re less on the spot, get some time to pull their thoughts together before responding). The fact that it can be either asynchronous or synchronous (an active, engaged collaboration in real time) is, in my view, its great advantage. In one mode of communication, you can have the potential for immediacy and intensity, or the option to take time to pause and consider a response.
It’s in part because of this that sexting can allow you to be bolder, more daring or revealing or vulnerable than you’ve been able to be (at least with that partner) in person. You might find this surprising, but I'm kinda shy about live kinky talk. I’m working on that, but in the meantime I can initiate by sext things that are hard for me to say live. I'm still not very lewd by sext. I've never sent a nude pic, and don't want to receive any. Many who excel at sexting have a lot of fun with raunchiness. I applaud the bodaciousness, but truthfully I am more apt to want to get things started that will continue IRL (or pick up the phone) when it gets to that stage. Yet even without some of these more explicit things in my “sexting practice," it has had true, distinct value in letting me step out and be more daring (and vulnerable), all of which leads to my ultimate goal of creating greater intimacy.
The Reconnect Sext Is Often the Boldest Sext of All
Another really important relationship area where I’ve been more daring by sext than in real life is re-establishing closeness — or maintaining some thread of proximity — after an awful fight.
Other Useful Sexting ("Can't wait!")
A sext can keep things close with your partner while one of you is on the road; light up your (or your partner's) masturbation session or introduce a fantasy in a safe, low-key way. It can be foreplay — on a scale of warming things up to turning it on, and you can make it as hot as you want to start it out, and take it as far as you’d like to go.
I almost always send a sext of some sort to rev things up before a date (if it’s the first date, “can’t wait” or “really looking forward to meeting you in person to hear more about {your writing/son’s ski race/etc}” is enough. And it can be the difference between starting things IRL at a cold versus warm temperature.
I love the art of the sexy compliment, and of teasing. I am into a sensual "drive-by" sext (eg, no response required or expected) as a high-impact way to give my partner a shot in the arm without disrupting his day.
And it goes without saying that sexting has as important a place in intimate relationships that are just beginning as it does in ones that have been in place “forever” and through all kinds of things. I’d argue that good, thoughtful sexting is almost more critical for long-term partnerships — as a reminder that you appreciate and adore them (and don’t take them for granted), or as a post-conflict ice breaker.
Sexting is all-around highly useful and way under-utilized, so in Part 2 of Tell Me More we’ll dive deeper into some techniques and real-life examples from my life, as I’ve worked on mastering my own art of the sext. But here are the basics you need to know:
Basic Techniques & Tips
Good sexting is really just plain showing you’re interested, especially interested, in the person receiving your sext. There are as many ways to be great at sexting as there is to be a great communicator of any sort, but the “improv” model is apt:
Sexting is a collaborative act where the first rule of thumb is to take what your partner gives you, observe it closely, build on it, then volley it back.
Keep your partner specifically in mind:
- think about the receiver (“your partner” for these purposes) very specifically
- what do they do/like/feel proudest of about themselves and/or their bodies
- what can you think of with specificity that you’ve done together - what did they laugh at, enjoy, not like
- pay close attention to how they respond by text - single words/one liners or extended para's and consider whether you want to mimic them (to create or keep a rhythm going or want to break that up (to create abrupt excitement)
- notice whether they use visual words, sensual-sounding words, lots of active verbs or straightforward nouns - those are clues to what they like “sextually” (and probably other things about “their language” for all kinds of communication
And here are some general tips:
- the ellipsis ... to strategically leave something to the imagination, catch a breath yourself, let your partner catch a breath or to create anticipation
- a strategic pause — maybe followed by “ahhh, had to catch my breath” — to create tension
- "ummmmm" and "hmmmm" when you want to be more suggestive than explicit
The very best, sexiest words are “yes” (or “yesssss”) and “thinking of you.” Everyone loves to hear those. So if you can’t think of anything else to say revert to those, or some variation of those. They are the heart-and-soul and ultimate vibe of the sext. I include a list of sexy words and phrases in Parts 2 and 3 of Tell Me More but remember “yes” and “thinking of you” go very, very far.
But the most important thing to remember, and what makes sexting so powerful as a medium is that it is its own communication mode and it’s so much more than just sending a dick or tit pick. It’s a way to encourage intimacy — whether that is sexual intimacy or just saying sorry to your partner (or a best friend) after conflict
Did you know that there’s an app specifically for sexting? Amorus is a relationship intimacy app that provides tips and games to encourage more skilled, creative, and private sexting. We “hooked up” with its Founder Elizabeth Dell, read more here.
Tell Me More: Dish’s Personal & Practical Tips for Sexting Mastery (Part 2 of 3)
In Part 1 of Tell Me More, Dish shares an ode to sexting and its many uses, including how to make up after conflict. If you're new to it, we recommend you also read Foria’s ‘Totally Useful Guide to Sexting’ to get the 101’s of establishing expectations, consent, checking in and agreeing on what can (and cannot be done) with your sexts after the fact. Here Dish reveals more about her personal style and shares some sext snippets and sensual words to inspire your own sexting.
Good sexting is really just showing you’re interested–especially interested–in your sexting partner. As I shared in Part 1 of Tell Me More, there are as many ways to be great at sexting as there are to be a great communicator generally, or for that matter to be a great flirt. You can call it a form of foreplay or you can simply think of it as a way to flirt using a lot of short, poignant words that takes your partner's preferences and attributes particularly into mind. It is not just for millenials, it need not be raunchy or even particularly explicit so get that formulaic thinking out of your head. Sexting – like other ways of showing you care for someone – is a superb additional form of expressing an interest.
Remember this from Part 1 of Tell Me More:
- Think about the receiver (“your partner,” for these purposes) very specifically.
- What do they do/like/feel proudest of about themselves and/or their bodies.
- What can you think of with specificity that you’ve done together? What did they laugh at, enjoy, not like?
- Pay close attention to how they respond by text–single words/one-liners or extended paragraphs–and consider whether you want to mimic them (to create or keep a rhythm going or want to break that up (to create abrupt excitement).
- Notice whether they use visual words, sensual-sounding words, lots of active verbs or straightforward nouns. Those are clues to what they like “sextually” (and probably other things about “their language” for all kinds of communication).
Use:
- The ellipsis (“...”) to strategically leave something to the imagination, catch a breath yourself, let your partner catch a breath or to create anticipation.
- A strategic pause — maybe followed by “ahhh, had to catch my breath” — to create tension.
- Words like "ummmmm" and "hmmmm" when you want to be more suggestive than explicit.
If you don’t know the person you’re sexting well, of course that means asking what could be an increasingly intense series of “what do you like” or “would you like {offer a suggestion}” series of questions. It could go like this:
“Imagine we’re sitting at a corner table of your favorite restaurant. How would it feel if I gently brushed my hand against your leg?”
And then it could be “Oh, you like that, huh? What if I rested it there for a bit, and then traveled up? And rested it there for a bit and… Well, you get the gist of where I’m going.”
You might want to test out whether they prefer for you to be the more graphic one or whether they want to get in on the action by saying: “And when my hand got hot, I mean really hot, what would you want me to do?”
Of course the above questions work just as well for somebody you already know. But if you know them — if they are a long-term partner, then you want to get very detailed about them. Here are some tips:
Compliment/talk about their characteristics (physical or otherwise) very specifically:
Say: Your skin is as pale and smooth as those leather gloves you put on to drive the golf ball, and I love how sensitive it is when I start running my fingers across your inner thigh. You twitch ever so slightly when you’re turned on.
Rather than: I love to touch your big cock / juicy vulva.
Say: I love how I can tell that you’re getting turned on by the way your breathing builds up, from deep and full to hot and needy. When you rolled me over I swear you were panting. Hungry.
Rather than: I love it when your hard cock gets so hard / your juicy vulva gets so wet.
Say: You tasted creamy and rich and tart and kinda sweet, kind of like the key lime pie we had in Sarasota last winter.
Rather than: I love your sweet cum.
Say: Let’s start by imagining that we are putting on some Marvin Gaye. Because I know you love Marvin Gaye.
Say: I picked up the sexiest, most literate collection of short stories I could find. Because I know your favorite thing is for me to read you very well-written smut. Here’s the first line: …
An exception to the “sext as an improv collab” (and a favorite type of sext personally) is the "drive-by sext” — where a reply isn't expected or required. It’s a powerful way to tell someone they are wanted while minimizing disruption, not imposing on them if it’s a bad time for them to sext back or just giving them the space to consider.
Reminder: Expectations. Sexting is asynchronous. When you’ve just “opened up a sext line” on your end, you never know what someone has going on in the moment on their end (work crisis, bad personal news or in line at the grocery store). You don’t know who is around them (professional colleagues, kids). Starting it up, it’s best to think of it as a “send it out, expect nothing back” thing. By all means try not to take it as rejection if they don’t respond quickly, or even that day. Just because you were in the mood in that moment doesn’t mean it was a moment that worked for them.
As the recipient of a sext that comes at a bad time for you, a good practice is to reply when you can with a simple: “Thanks for that - thoroughly enjoyed - caught me in a meeting and now I’m on the run.”
A great sext for extended foreplay is the “what you’re going to do to me / what I’m going to do to you” next time I see you sext.
A variation of the above is “what I did to you / you did to me” sext.
In Part 3 of Tell Me More, I’ll be offering examples of sexting scripts and sexy words to get your imagination flowing.
Did you know that there’s an app specifically for sexting? Amorus is a relationship intimacy app that provides tips and games to encourage more skilled, creative, and private sexting. We “hooked up” with its Founder Elizabeth Dell, read more here.
The Crush Letter
The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter curated by Dish Stanley on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?
