An honest look at what it is to be single, post-menopausal and horny as hell.
“Since menopause, my sex drive has not diminished in the slightest. On the contrary; I doubt it has ever been higher.”
While I never really believed in “waiting until marriage”, I originally felt I would only be sexually active in a monogamous relationship. As someone who has enjoyed sex since the first moments, my rocky romantic road threw that idea out the window. Although for me, a healthy, ongoing relationship is always the desired scenario, I am certainly not going to deny myself otherwise.
Before menopause at age 52, I was alarmed by some grim predictions; that my sexual drive would lessen, I should expect vaginal dryness and some discomfort during sex. Fortunately, none of this proved to be true; not even close!
Since menopause, my sex drive has not diminished in the slightest. On the contrary; I doubt it has ever been higher.
Despite this, I had pushed aside any desires a few years before the pandemic. After the ending of an ongoing relationship, I took a breather to pause and regroup. In place of a regular companion, I found myself embarking on casual encounters. It was frustrating to find this interlude in my life largely unsatisfactory. Most or all of the men I met lacked finesse and nuance in bed; offering either jackrabbit sex or just plain lackluster sex. I just couldn’t keep going through that and retreated again from the sexual Ferris wheel. Of course, COVID extended this situation, as I didn’t even touch another person for months. This year, as restrictions were easing in June and summer started, I suddenly had enough of celibacy.
Regardless of their profession, all the men I have recently met seem to have very little free time. One of my occasional lovers is a 35-year-old successful corporate lawyer who is rarely off his cell phone and laptop. While he flatters me by saying he would have thought I was much younger, he asks if I find the age gap between us to be strange. If we were to suddenly act like a romantic couple, then it might be. But, not when we are merely friendly sexual partners. There is nothing strange about two adults with a robust enjoyment of our sexual encounters.
The lawyer’s insane work schedule unfortunately mirrors the other men I have come to know since June. After meeting a very handsome orthopedic surgeon and, at last, finding time to be alone together, our enjoyment was interrupted by a multi-car crash. Literally! The surgeon showed me crash photos that were texted to him, with the urgent request for his presence on-site. I was left with his opened box of condoms, a tube of KY jelly, and half a bottle of red wine.
Aside from the scheduling issue, there is another exasperating aspect of my current situation. I am truly tired of being asked what I am “into sexually”. I feel like replying; “I’m into getting laid, you idiot!” But, I just smoothly let them know I am all about pleasure and no pain. While I would not call myself “vanilla”, hair-pulling, bondage, whips, chains, etc. are not part of my sexual vocabulary. What did I miss? When did the need for this line of questioning arise?? As far as I’m concerned, it’s less talk, more action.
But my main dissatisfaction is the scheduling aspect or lack thereof. While I appreciate a hard worker, dedicated to their profession, I am done with the last-minute texts. It’s almost as though the men I have met expect me to be at their beck and call. And, here I thought I was taking charge of my sexuality by “opting-in” again! Also, as my schedule has gotten busier, I have even less patience for that attitude.
Although the past four months have involved some very satisfying sex, the situation overall is not what I had anticipated. In lieu of an ongoing monogamous relationship, I had hoped to find one or two consistent, amiable sexual partners. As that is not the case, perhaps I will rejoin a gym and put that energy into shedding my extra COVID pounds. I almost wish I had lost some of my sexual drives after menopause…. But then again, no.
The Crush Letter
The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter curated by Dish Stanley on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?
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