@christie_ferrari has published six reels (so far) on what to say to somebody who is rude to you. I find that having something in my back pocket is oddly empowering. Probably because my tendency would be to say nothing and yet, I don’t feel good about not calling people on their rudeness in some way. By acknowledging the rudeness there’s the chance, the hope, that they reflect and regroup. Or at the very least, they don’t walk away feeling like they got away with it unnoticed.
Yet I don’t want it to escalate, that’s for sure. I want to acknowledge it in a way that drops it.
With that in mind, I’ve reviewed all six parts of Ferrari’s rudeness series, and here are the ones I’ll use the most (depending on the context).
Calmly reply with, “say that again? I’m not sure I heard you correctly.”
You’re calling them out & also giving them the chance to try again. If they don’t repeat it (and they won’t usually) they’re acknowledging it’s rudeness.
“Are you okay?”
This response is disarming as it can take the person by surprise and discourage further rudeness. It can also shift the focus from their rudeness to their well-being, potentially causing them to reflect on their behavior. Asking “are you okay?” might also open the door for the person to explain themselves (“I just got awful news, I’m sorry.”) Often rudeness can stem from having a bad day or having personal things going on.
“That was an interesting thing to say out loud.”
You’re offering a sarcastic explanation for what they just said to you, making them less likely to continue being rude to you.
“I’m surprised you think that’s appropriate.”
This response is assertive without being aggressive. It directly addresses the inappropriate behavior without escalating the situation. It challenges their behavior and it implies that their behavior is unexpected and unacceptable. It also preserves your dignity while maintaining a calm and composed demeanor.
“Was that meant to embarrass or insult me?”
You’re calling them out for what it is, they’ll either backtrack what they were saying or apologize.
Tell them there’s something in their teeth.
They’ll close their mouth immediately and stop talking. You can then excuse yourself if you wanted to end the conversation abruptly.
Take a deep breath, look at them calmly for 5 seconds like a concerned mother and then say, “are you okay?”
You’re not giving them giving them the reaction or dopamine hit they were looking for and it throws them off because you stayed calm. Depending on their reply, you can then follow it up with, “I just wanted to make sure because it’s interesting you felt comfortable saying that out loud, so I was concerned.” You can then excuse yourself.
Calmly reply with, “say that again?”
When you have them repeat what they just said out loud not only does it minimize the impact of the insult when they have to repeat it again, but if they said it around other people, then they come off less clever and more desperate because it looks as if they’re struggling coming up with something else to say, it also reveals their true colors.
“Was that your way of offering me help or…?” now take a pause and wait for their reply.
Not everyone means the worst and by saying this you’re calling the behavior out and giving them the opportunity to backtrack or apologize. If they were trying to offer help, you can then take them up on it. This one is great for family members.
"Do you mean that in a nice way?”
You’re calling them out in a sarcastic fashion & they’ll either backtrack what they were saying or apologize.
“Stare at their forehead & say nothing.”
They’re going to get distracted, start stumbling with what they’re saying, and ask you if something is on their forehead. This helps deescalates the situation or gives you an out if you want to quickly end the conversation and excuse yourself.
“Are you trying to be helpful or hurtful?”
This response is disarming, as it can take the person off guard and make them reflect on their behavior. It questions their intention behind their rudeness, which might cause them to reconsider their approach. And it subtly suggests there might be a better way to communicate their point.
“Did you mean to come across as rude?”
This response is also disarming and it calls out their behavior but gives them the chance to save face if it was unintentional. It also leaves the door open for them to apologize or explain themselves, potentially leading to a more positive interaction.
“Try decaf next time…”
This response is disarming, unexpected and might throw the person off guard. It doesn’t escalate the situation by being overly confrontational and it’s a clever way to subtly imply that the way they’re acting is rude. This is a good response to use with someone that you know that is intentionally and deliberately being rude to you.
“Is something bothering you?”
This response deflects the response and it shifts the focus from their rude behavior to how they’re feeling and invite a conversation about what’s upsetting them. It preserves your composure and allows you to maintain calm and collected.
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