From the Crush Letter No 157:
"Dear Dish:
I found last week’s Hot Thots piece on ‘kinkeeping’ and ‘friendkeeping’ particularly relevant. This stage of life involves so many changes to our various relationships for all of us. My husband and I became empty nesters this year, so it’s been a big year of transition for us as a family. In addition to our “kids” becoming independent adults and me having more time to invest in my friendships, there is the upcoming reality that that my husband will likely retire in the next few years.
You mentioned that after your husband died you took on a lot of ‘friendkeeping,’ but since you moved you noticed that has shifted with new friends. There are ways that I would like evolve certain roles with family and existing friends, and I’ve been thinking about how to do that, especially since I’m not moving! How do I stop being responsible for doing all the planning and cooking or making all the reservations within what is now a family of adults? Or with a friend who I’ve assumed prefers to being in charge (or maybe that happened when my Mother was sick and I was overwhelmed? I’m not sure). How do I test that assumption and perhaps take on more ‘friendkeeping’ responsibilities?
I was talking about this with a friend who is a therapist recently and she suggested that often when we get into roles the people on both sides are making a lot of assumptions that guide the way we interpret communication. One way to begin to evolve our ‘friendkeeping’ etc. roles is to make sure you “finish the sentence” or “finish the thought.” It’s a strategy to help break homeostasis by keeping the other person from assuming your reasons for saying/doing something- when assuming you know the reason can be wrong if your basing the assumption on something that was the reason once or twice (or even a lot) in the PAST (but maybe that was years and years ago - and things are different now).
For example, if a friend who always makes the reservations asks if I want to go out to dinner instead of just saying “Yes,” which she will interpret as a signal that she should make the reservation, I could say “Yes, and since you made the reservation last time I’ll do it this time.” Another example is if my husband says “let’s not go out tonight” I could interpret that as he doesn’t want to go out with *me* (he’s mad, or annoyed or something is off in our relationship) but what he really meant was “let’s not go out tonight because I’m tired.” Finish the sentence or thought so that there is no opportunity to assume, or to misinterpret.
Hope that’s useful to some Readers, and thanks for The Crush Letter! I read it every Saturday.
-Alice”
"dear dish,
another great CRUSH!
great “could be us” social media post (loved them all actually)
😜
-Steve"
From the Crush Letter No 155:
“Dish,
Maybe relationship compatibility can handle differences on specific issues, as long there is sufficient alignment on political sensibility? Perhaps not the best example but, let’s say, maybe a couple where both have, generally, say, a libertarian sensibility, can manage to disagree on say, abortion, because both sides are about civil liberties and individual rights. Where they disagree is, whether or when an unborn is an individual whose civil liberties are in question?
Or two generally conservative partners can manage disagreement over, say, immigration, because both believe in lawful immigration and oppose illegal immigration, but disagree on, say, how to define and police “asylum” claims?
But if there’s misalignment vis vis sensibility, it’s super tough to have a relationship? Oversimplification, but if one partner sees glass half full and other half empty…
Also. Another fine, fine CRUSH!
Steve
Dear Steve,
Very thoughtful response, thank you. I think you’re right that a shared political sensibility makes differences on even the most polarizing issues (like abortion, actually a terrific example) tolerable in a relationship. I agree that if political sensibilities aren’t aligned, it’s super tough.
But there was a time – and my parents are an example of this — where a person could say something like “I believe in a strong military and if necessary, offensive invasion, and you, because of your personal experience and separate perspective, believe in (let’s say) pacifism. We share the value that loss of life is a tragedy, but have a diametrically opposed political views (and sensibilities) on how you sustain peace. Yet I respect not only your right to your strongly held convictions, but you. And I love you.”
And I long for it.
Thanks for writing!
X-Oh-X! Dish
CRUSHes: Do you have any experiences (or laments) on how politics have impacted your romances and friendships?
From the Crush Letter No 154:
"Dish -
Best ever. Hogan story was beautiful...even if it did give me the terrors! Really wonderful.
One of my favorite lines by men who marry widows: "No one's perfect....except my wife's first husband". Hysterical.
-Samuel"
Thank you Samuel! Although, as a widow, I find as much terror in your quote as you did in Hogan’s passing. I believe that in all relationships, romantic and friendship alike, we are all competing - with ex-lovers, other ‘soul mates‘ (past and current), as well as the fantasies and ideals that our loved ones have (which can be far more trenchant than any living person is or was). I personally find it absolutely terrifying when any guy I am keen on has an ex floating around his firmament. Those motherfuckers can actually physically reappear, with real live sparks and seductions, offers for a reunion, etc. That shit is real. How is that not more of a threat than someone who is dead? X-Oh!-X, Dish
"Dear Dish:
Have you thought about writing a book for your next act? Your piece about Henry+Hogan was beautiful.
XOX, Nina
Thank you, Nina. I have! A series of short stories is more likely, at least next, but thank you, thank you, thank you! X-Oh!-X, Dish
"Dear Dish,
I just wanted to send a quick note to say how much I enjoy and look forward to getting the Saturday morning Prime Crush email.
I appreciate (and have used) the recommendations - things to listen to, to read and to aspire to. I know it is a lot of work.
-Kathy"
Kathy, I really appreciate that. Thank you! If you have any recommendations, I’d love to hear them. X-Oh!-X, Dish
"Dear Dish,
I loved the birds in today's "Social Media I Loved." Thank you! I'm not following. It will be a nice respite from the dress I looked at two weeks ago (and decided not to buy), that keeps following me.
-Diane”
Diane, I‘m so glad! Thanks for writing. X-Oh!-X, Dish
"Dear Dish,
OMG are those birds in this week's CRUSH Letter real???? Gorgeous! I NEED more info... Thanks!
-Alison”
Alison, Thanks so much! Yes, I think they are. They are actually videos; they appear to be real, live videos (but what do I know?). They’re beautiful. If you are on instagram, you can follow at @zo_on6. X-Oh!-X, Dish
From The Crush Letter No 149:
Dear Dish:
I loved reading the Dear Dish letters last week. Truth be told, when I read the New York Times I often just skip straight to the Letters to the Editor under an article, so I’m like that. Often the letters reacting to the story are as insightful as the stories themselves. And so it was last week. I loved seeing the differing reactions to the Open Door article. I have to say that I would never (never!) have walked through that door. And I was glad, relieved, and impressed with the ‘Dear Dish’ letter {from Samuel} that recognized (under the facts as you laid them out) that it placed all the burden on you. In that sense it was not at all gentlemanly as an invitation, if it in fact was one.
-Mary
“Dish, you’ve written a couple of times about your note offering your romantic love to the one guy, your Mr. Darcy. You didn’t want to go another day without being his lover, you said (memorably). In my adult life I have never gotten such a beautiful and dramatic love note, so I applaud you. I would love to receive such a note. It would be such a compliment, even if I weren’t interested. I wish more people wrote handwritten love letters, especially bold ones like that. Very romantic.
I wouldn’t sweat it that you feel “frozen” over other men. Isn’t it possible that it is just that you haven’t met another man since Mr. Darcy who you feel as passionately interested in? So it’s not that you’re stuck. Rather, you’re looking for the right one. Don’t lose that spiritedness and faith in love that you had for your Mr. Darcy. As your friend Lisa says, keep walking through the open doors. I dated forever (2 years, and without sex) before I met somebody I am excited enough about to pursue as a full-on romantic partner. It just takes longer in this phase to find somebody where the two of you (and your lives) fit well enough together. I’m 71!
-Larry
“Dear Dish,
Holy Shit. Of course that was an invitation. Not as clear as putting his hand on your knee under the dinner table but he sounds shy and gentlemanly. Are you sure you shouldn’t reach out now?”
-Michael
“Dear Dish,
Liked your CRUSH yesterday. So well written.
I take issue with the discussion of Fred (the Sugarbush guy). You should not have walked into the room. If the open door was an invitation it was disrespectful. Put all the burden on you. A good passionate kiss with a gracious suggestion is the only gentlemanly behavior for him.
Sorry his son got sick, but you didn’t miss anything.“
-Samuel
Dear Dish:
I loved the opener in The Crush Letter No 143 about friends reaching out on Saturdays and ‘big nights’ even if it looks uncool to be single and have nothing to do. I’m single and I think I’m pretty cool but sometimes I have nothing to do on Saturday nights. I also like what you wrote about what you did better in dating in 2023. How you showed your hand, got turned down and learned you’ve got to move on. All very relatable. Thanks for that.
-Thomas, 59
Dear Dish,
A friend who was widowed a year ago asked me to help her craft a dating profile and I think this is great advice: “I really want to kiss you right now. May I?” It’s a sweet way to convey interest shyly and take a proactive step towards getting what you desire (without fully committing to maximal vulnerability). I’m going to make sure she reads it.
X.D
Dear Dish,
The Crush Letter No 145 was a good one! Sounds like a fab night in NYC 🎶
Sorry to hear the year got off to a rough start. I feel that…Hope it is looking up and you are feeling better now.
Get an angiogram too while you’re at it — all your CRUSH Readers should get on a heart disease prevention kick ♥️
Sarah
Dear Dish!
I love the Song of the Week, Take Off Your Cool! Thanks so much for finding and sharing it. The lyrics and melody are so powerful. Sometimes the music hits the target so perfectly and deeply the very first time. This is one of those songs. Wow.
Love the open door approach. Think I’ll adopt it too. Thanks Lisa, from me too!
May open loving doors be with you.
xx
-Katie
Dear Dish:
As previously and often mentioned widely to many, I have been so enjoying CRUSH - what a wonderful project, and your voice is pitch-perfect. I love it … Wishing you the most cheerful next few weeks.
--Natalie
Thank you, Natalie! And thank you to all of you for the gift of being part of The CRUSH Letter.
We’re sharing the stories and columns you loved the most in 2023.
Enjoy!
Dear Dish:
Just wanted to let you know that your newsletter continues to be my spirit guide for dating, aging, and sex.
I loved your article about why can’t women be hot after 50. I’ve always known I was one of those women who would get better looking as I get older (vs those who peak in high school or college). As I crossed into my 50s and have begun to date, I feel more attractive, confident, and sexy than ever.
...
[S]urely there are those who have arrived in middle age as grown ass men, and they are excited and ready for us who feel and look better than we did at 25.
Side note: I recently had such a man over for my first sleepover since getting divorced. He was in awe when I pulled out the box of sex toys and products you sent for me to test. Thanks for helping me set the tone without having to say a word. 😊
I appreciate the work you do so much.
-Anne
Dear Dish:
Sneakers aren’t hot on men over 50? Pfffft. I guess those poll takers haven’t left the house for quite some time, or seen an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. The term “sneakerhead” entered the lexicon in the late 80’s and sneakers have been cool as a lifestyle footwear for ordinary guys for at least a decade. George Clooney here, case in point.
-- Greg
Dear Dish:
To whomever answered that sneakers aren't sexy on men after 50: Well, that's fine by me because I guess that leaves Richard Gere all to me.
-- Miranda
Dear Dish,
Re: In Love: A Memoir of Love and Loss By Amy Bloom. I find the theme fascinating - to make a judgment about what constitutes a life worth living ... humans are not well equipped to imagine how others find/make meaning outside of their own particular experiences and fears. -k
Dear Dish,
Trust was great. Just bought a few of the books you recommended — thanks for the recs! Love reading what you write. - Sarah
Dear Dish,
I liked TRUST [the book] a lot. More so once I finished it. I find myself thinking about it which is always interesting to me. Some books I love but don't seem to ever think about them. It unfolds in an interesting way. Sort of like you're not sure you do like it and need to keep reading to find out. -kt
Dear Dish,
Rick Rubin's The Creative Act has so many treasures you want to savor in each Area of Thought, that I have to set it down for a week before I pick it up again. It's a book of contemplation. -S
Dear Dish,
“Enjoyed Culture/Comments. Re: Shiv’s ponytail... It irked me until I figured it out the moment she whined, "daddy" when talking to Logan on the phone. In that scene, all three of the siblings were reduced to being children again. Shiv's unkempt pony tail was the hair style of a 3-year-old girl who just came home from a long day at daycare. Also, to the best of my recollection, it was the first time we saw the characters make physical contact with each other.”
- Lisa Ellex
Dear Dish,
I want to hang out with Sal & Ken! Great PrimeCrush, Dish.
- M.
Dear Dish,
Are you a fan of Parks and Recreation? I loved it. A surprising choice for an On Being guest but really great. I think your PrimeCrush Readers might like it.
Dear Dish,
I religiously read your newsletter each Saturday, and I figured it was time for me to actually send you a submission. Hopefully it's up to snuff for the newsletter!
Keep doing what you're doing! - “MusicGeek77”
Dear MusicGeek77,
This is so good. Thanks so much! Your girlfriend sounds fun - dark and moody. Enjoy!
x-oh, x-oh!
"Dear Dish,
Greetings from London en route to Paris. My husband and I started the morning in a beautiful country inn in the Cotswolds ... When I opened my emails to read The Crush Letter, it reminded me: "NOooooo!! We left my oils in the bedside table!!!!"
We are crushed as the sex oil has changed the sex game and brought a lot of joy and pleasure back into our lives. PLEASE send me the name and info so I can re-order! Thank you!
Love,
S."
Dear Dish,
I was moved by your post about what it means to go to war from a military family's perspective. As always it was beautifully written but it also conveyed the intensity of fear and love as it relates to current events.
Rachel
Dear Dish,
Thanks for the insightful PrimeCrush this morning. I especially appreciated your sharing your Father's views.
Steph
Dear Dish,
Thanks for the Brief Digression. There’s just such a disconnect - we see the news, it’s horrendous, but it doesn’t feel personal.
Your piece helped bring it home, made it real.
Sharon
Dear Dish,
Thanks for your special edition of PC. What is happening in Ukraine is heartbreaking, a crime, and terrifying. I'm glad you marked it.
kt
Good Morning Dish,
Your Letter 52 is an important share and I thank you…for it is almost impossible to feel sexy and in the mood when the world at large is witnessing brutal might and how one person’s insatiable need for power and control can topple the physical and emotional equilibrium of the entire world ...
My grandparents and great grandparents left that part of Russia/Eastern Europe years ago, running for their lives… without them, I would not be here…I miss them deeply. This is tragic, triggering, and heartbreak on many levels ...
Drink the Vodka
Eat the caviar….before the prices go up!!!& for Fuck Sake (literally)… don’t let Putin or anyone else take away or diminish your flame
GLM
Hi Dish,
… I learned the guitar at age 13, as I fell in love with Clouds. It seemed just the perfect song..lyrics and melody for a girl growing up fast, but still a child. I matured early and was looked upon as an adult, whereas I was so young and the two realms never seemed to align. The lyrics of finding it difficult to understand two sides of anything..parents, puppy love, classroom taunts, older brother hazing, growing breasts, feeling plump and odd…just trying to make sense of it all really spoke to me. They still do as life is so complex at any age, and perhaps even more as we age.
Thanks for the article on Joni. I read up on Clouds and am sending the below to you in case your readers would find it interesting.
Cheers, Diana
Dear Dish,
Your newsletter is the best thing about my Saturday mornings, and I really appreciate your work.
Thank you, Anita
Dear Dish,
I am an avid reader of The Crush letter. The Divorce Issue was BADASS and SO important!
Craig, Milwaukee
Dear Dish,
Love what you are doing with PrimeCrush
Sarah, Boston
Dear Dish,
Re: the 50th anniversary of Joni Mitchell's album Blue
Loved the Crush #18 this morning. Joni Mitchell’s Blue is unbelievably good, and relevant, after 50 yrs (crazy to write that).
Mark
Dear Mark,
Thank you! And with lyrics like "But when he's gone, me and them lonesome blues collide / The bed's too big, the frying pan's too wide" how can she not remain relevant? I mean, I was shrugging at my frying pan just this morning.
XO, Dish
Dear Dish,
Re: Midlife Friendship Audit: You Need Good Friends, But Who Is Good?
Brilliant CRUSH article on friendships! I forwarded it to a close gal friend ... we wrote off a mutual weak friend last night in comparing notes on how we felt about her and how she sucks energy from us etc.!
Dee
+++
Dear Dee,
Thank you! We try to sometimes give "actionable advice" (as they say). But I'm sorry to hear that you had to get actionable on it.
XO, Dish
{dated Friday night, 10:00 pm}
Dear Dish,
Re: Hand Job. Lube Up and Lend Yourself a Hand
Always insightful reads in the CRUSH Letter. I think women need to practice h and b jobs. It's a lost art.
"Got the Job Blues"
+++
Dear "Job Blues,"
Noted! And, oh dear. I take it that you spent the evening offering your services up for - you know - practice? It's not easy being that generous.
Rest up, buttercup.
XO, Dish
Dear Dish:
In The Crush Letter No. 6 you said (read: promised) that Summer would bring us post-pandemic orgies.
It's Summer.
Where you at? Can you drop a pin [on Google Maps]? Better yet, post the (or an) orgy address in your next issue. It seems like you've got a pretty fun crew with the CRUSH Readers!
Looking forward, Samantha
+++
Dear Samantha:
Thanks for being a die-hard Crush Reader! And for writing.
Okay. Well, in No 6 I did say that people like Dr. Nicholas Christakis, Yale Professor and author of Apollo's Arrow: The Profound and Enduring Impact of Coronavirus on the Way We Live were predicting orgies. But honestly (sadly) I haven't been invited to any. (Yet.?!)
However, I did "happen" to take note of a recent article in the New York Post about the re-opening of the world's most exclusive sex party: "NYC's elite sex club SNCTM to reopen with wild orgy masquerade." The accompanying photos are very "eyes wide shut." Perhpas you could take that up, as it were.
How to get through the velvet ropes into SNCTM? I haven't a clue. But if you do get in, our CRUSH Reader crew (yes, they're fun!) would love to read about it. (Our submission policy is here: Hit us with your best shot.)
Good luck! And let us know how the orgies are. (Really.)
XO, Dish
Dear Dish,
The piece by Lauren D. Weinstein The Dynamics of Friendship: Can Singlehood Withstand the Trials of Friends with Kids? is very thought provoking. Thanks for including it ... Being later to marry and not having my son until 41, I remember a lot of those feelings. Felt like it was spot on ...
XO, N.
+++
Dear Dish,
The piece by Lauren D. Weinstein The Dynamics of Friendship: Can Singlehood Withstand the Trials of Friends with Kids? is very thought provoking. Thanks for including it ... Being later to marry and not having my son until 41, I remember a lot of those feelings. Felt like it was spot on ...
XO, N.
Poll Results: "Not Without Samantha." In The Crush Letter No.9 we published a piece by "Definitely Not A Carrie" aptly titled And I Wondered ... Do We Really Need A Sex and the City Reboot? We asked you whether you'd be watching SATC and two-thirds of you said "No! I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me." One-third responded "Yes! I can't help but wonder." Here's what else we heard:
Not without Samantha.
At its best it was a show about a time - in Earth, and in life - which is over. Let it be.
I broke up with Carrie for the last time when she stepped into Mr. Big's car in Paris.
Seriously though, I would love to watch something sexy and funny on the complexities of dating in midlife. I'm not sure this will be it.
"Dear Dish,
The Crush Letter No. 9 was engaging as always.
No article about sex and music is complete without this*. Period.
XO, @miketrap
*Roxy Music's Avalon
+++
Dear Mike,
The whole Avalon album {Roxy Music}? Why?
XO, Dish
Dear Dish,
The whole album is just wonderful, at turns tender, energetic, sophisticated, and gritty. It's a walk up Columbus Avenue in New York, on a Fall evening ripe with youthful possibility. The song Avalon in particular has a dreamy quality to it that just helps you escape yourself, as does To Turn You On.
Could be it just reminds me of that time, but I really do think there's something in the music, as in so much of Brian Ferry's later work.
Enjoy.
Mike
+++
Mike,
Ummm. Yeah, I did enjoy that. Hopefully, it was good for my iroha + tori too.
Dish
{Not really. I did not really actually write that last part back to Mike. If I had, who knows whether he would ever write to Dear Dish again. And he is the guy who gave us his Bad Girl Pasta Recipe a couple weeks ago. So we need him in our Crush community. However dear Crush readers, between you and me (don't tell Mike!), that is a precisely accurate state of affairs. Read about my relationship with my iroha + tori here.}
Got something to get off your chest? I'd love to hear it. Write to Dear Dish at dish@primecrush.com.
Dear Dish,
"I wanted to share with you that the Prime Crush letter that you recently put out was fantastic… I could totally relate to the comments about characters Gerri and Wendy Rhodes!
[On Succession,] there has been a hint/flavor of inappropriate possible prior sexual behavior between Gerri and Roman on Succession…Gerri has been around since he was a child and currently, she comes across like some creepy older aunt and at times he appears to sexually taunt her… almost as though he is goofing on her… or are they really just fucking with each other’s psyche?
[And as it relates to Billions,] as a retired therapist … I was very conscious of ethics and carefully downplaying any hint of what could be construed as overt sexuality during sessions for fear of creating some countertransference in my clients that I did not want to create… unlike, the Wall Street Wendy Rhoades character who appears to border on firing up her sexuality to a boiling point and using it to the utmost benefit.
"…. We are all sexual beings…therefore, how much of oneself can you hide or disguise…or should you?"
"Dr. Ruth and Dr. Freud would have had a field day with these two shows."
XO, LM
The Crush Letter
The Crush Letter is a weekly newsletter curated by Dish Stanley on everything love & connection - friendship, romance, self-love, sex. If you’d like to take a look at some of our best stories go to Read Us. Want the Dish?
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